The court decision came yesterday evening. It’s not positive. Basically, the court has decided that everything should stay the way it is, with a few minor improvements.
In the decision, it seems as if the judge thought I was trying to hide something (which I didn’t!) and that I was just an overly protective mum not trusting the father of her children. Also, one of the reasons was that they are integrated where the father lives (in country A which does not allow our chosen form of education, but is the home country of their father, meaning that they know the language), and not so well integrated in country B where I live (where they do allow the form of education, and where I moved because Mr Ex would not move anywhere else, but they do not speak English or their fathers’ language). Now, the reason why they are not so well integrated is that with only being here every other week, they can’t keep up in groups/sport activities etc in a foreign language, if they are missing half of the lessons or sessions. I took them out of their activities because they were getting frustrated because of this, and started blaming the activity. Of course, Mr Ex never agreed to bringing them to anything which is further than 10 mins from his house, actively working against integration here. I can’t see how this reasoning is logical.
Also, there wasn’t a word about the real problems there are – the kids being up at 2 o’clock in the morning, sleeping til midday or later. The dirty and smelly state they are in after a week (only a week!) of being there. The fact that Mr Ex thinks that all formal education is not worth pursuing – thinking that sitting them in front of the computer for 15 mins a day and timing their ability to type and their speed of reading (which totally destroys all motivation to actually understand what they are reading and to read for fun, by the way) is quite enough. He actually tells them that educational qualifications such as A-levels etc are only for losers and they would not need anything like that. The fact that they sleep in his bedroom and one of them even had to share his bed with him and all his different girlfriends until recently is also something that is not ok. The fact that he leaves them alone at the flat to fend for themselves for long periods of time, or sends them right through town on their own to an open course where nobody is actually expecting them and would raise alarm if they didn’t turn up is extremely worrying. All these things are not mentioned at all – but they are the reasons why I decided to go to court. Because there are some real problems here. It’s not just me missing my kids.
I have an appointment with the lawyer next week, and probably one with the social services soon. It seems to me that all the actual issues were ignored, and that can’t be right.
At the moment I am feeling a bit lost. I always question what I’m doing – particularly if others call me out or voice their opinion that I might have a one-sided view of something. In this, I have questioned myself again and again. Of course, Mr Ex tells me I am being an overprotective mother and that I have to let go of the children. I have asked myself whether he is right a thousand times. My conclusion is the same each time – he is not. I am not over-protective, I am actually on the less protective end of the spectrum of normal. I’ve asked others about this too – friends who I could be sure would tell me what they thought, not what they thought I would like to hear, and a fathers’ rights group. The message is still the same. But with the decision being as it is, I am doubting myself again big time. Working through that will take time and energy – two things I haven’t got that much of at the moment.