I recently had a miscarriage. My first. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant with the copper IUD I have sitting in my uterus. And yet, the tests were definitely positive, and soon after that, I began to feel pregnant. Sore, tired, nauseous.
It came as a complete surprise. I had a weird ‘period’ – on time, but no oomph to it. I wasn’t even filling a tiny pad. But I didn’t really think much of it, until a friend told me she was trying to get pregnant, and that she hoped that the weird, light bleeding that had started that day was not her period, but early pregnancy. I saw the parallel, and got a pregnancy test the next morning, mainly to put the thoughts and worries to rest quickly (because of course it would be negative, I had an IUD).
But I was in a hurry, so I did the test quickly, stared at it showing a convincing negative for half a minute, and wrote it off as definitely negative. I stuck it into the bag, and put it somewhere out of sight, determined to check it again after 2 minutes, the full reaction time.
I forgot. In my mind, it was already definitely negative.
Only, it wasn’t. I remembered it 4 days later, and there it was. An ever so faint positive line. Googling, I decided that it must be an evaporation line. Just to make sure, I did another test the next morning – which immediately showed a positive result. That wasn’t supposed to be possible.
I called the doctor’s, and got myself an appointment for the very next day. Then, I spent the rest of the day in panic, pacing the flat, going through the moves of the day, showing my face for meetings, answering a couple of emails, but I couldn’t concentrate. What would I do if this was true? It would have been the worst timing. Most urgently, should I tell Y? He was stressed out as it was, with an all-important day coming up, which he was preparing for and very stressed about. In the morning I though I wouldn’t tell him, and do all the dr’s appointments by myself until I knew what was going on. By the afternoon, I had changed my mind, knowing that he wouldn’t want to be excluded – even if that meant adding stress and things to be terrified of.
So I told him, that night. We were going to see each other anyway, and once we’d settled down, I told him what I knew. We then spent the night being terrified together. I was terrified because I can’t get comfortable with the idea of abortion for myself (pro choice!), and because I also didn’t want to face the prospect of bearing a child to somebody who didn’t want to be its father (again). Also, I had been spotting, which I hadn’t ever experienced in a previous pregnancy, which made me fear an ectopic pregnancy or something else that would require surgical attention or hard decisions. Then there were the timing issues – I had already laid out a plan to inform the new employer, and see whether they wanted to continue. I couldn’t risk being without a job and the protection that it comes with in Germany with a small baby on my hands. Y was mainly terrified of the prospect of me actually being pregnant, and of having to be ok with whatever happened next, while having to focus on finishing his degree and starting out in professional life.
He’s an absolute hero of a person. He’s my hero. He has been there every step of the way. He’s been to every doctor’s appointment, even if I was just nipping in to have a blood sample taken. He took care of me, physically and emotionally.
In the end, the ultrasound didn’t reveal anything. No embryo, neither in utero nor ex. After a few days, my hormone levels started going down. A long week later, the whole thing took care of itself. Other than cramping and a long and heavy flow, it could have been a normal period.
The week in between was a nightmare though. Hormones are horrible if they’re out of place. I had all the symptoms of pregnancy, but everything was off somehow. Relief set in when the hormones started going down, even if I was equipped with a referral note and a warning to head straight to the hospital if sudden pain set in. When the bleeding started, I had an emotional day, although I was relieved. I blame the hormones for those tears and feelings of loss.
In a weird way, it’s been a good experience altogether. I’m glad I’m not pregnant, but I’m also grateful for the conversations and levels of intimacy Y and I unlocked in the process. I have real proof that I am safe with him – it’s more than just a feeling now. Even if I’d like not to need ‘real proof’ – whatever that is – apparently I like it a lot. Apparently it makes me feel secure and able to relax more, and to stop questioning every move and weighing it subconsciously for any meaning for ‘the future’.