Out of my Comfort Zone

On Monday, I went to the gym.

I’ve never been inside a gym, except once, and that was a kind of wellness place where I just hung around in the pool.

I’m afraid of the gym, in theory. I feel it must be full of muscle packed 20-something guys and hot young chicks, who would certainly look down on me, mother, overworked, not-20-anymore person who runs but doesn’t really know what she is doing.

Only, I also want to strengthen my core, my legs and well… everything. I want to be able to run faster, and I want to be able to recover faster from long runs. So, after much reading of reviews, I signed up for a try-out training session.

It was frightening.

There were lots of 20-somethings there.

Those machines that people apply themselves to are daunting. One of them was called “The Hackschmid”. How is that not frightening.

Not all the people there were half my age though. There were some other people like me. What’s more, there was a friendly atmosphere in there, smiles and friendly nods. Apparently, it is not completely ridiculous that I should enter such a place. The trainer also made me feel comfortable. According to her, I am fit and in good shape. I am far from starting at square 1.

I never dreamed that I would dare to enter a gym on my own, let alone that I would want to sign up to one so that I could go there on a regular basis. But there we are. Things change. I scare myself and do stuff that I don’t actually have the guts to do – but I do them anyway. I shut off the thinking and just do it.

So, with my brain firmly gagged, I walked through that door and found something that I really enjoyed. I’m glad about that new found space in my comfort zone!



The house is a mess, I am up to my neck in work deadlines, there are several tasks that really need tackling, but I feel invincible at the moment.

I feel there are so many things moving in the right direction at the moment, the problems seem tiny in comparison.

I am moving my room downstairs by turning half the (huge and very long) living room into my bedroom, thus enabling the kids to each have their own room. The house is a mess as the living room is mostly rearranged, but the partitioning is not in place yet, nor is my bed etc down there yet. I have no idea how I am going to get the mattress down here at all – it’s an all natural fiber futon and weighs a ton – but I am convinced that I will find a way. I am excited about the prospect of each kid having their space, and about having a space for myself in which I can be for myself without having to worry about waking the kids up. I look forward to being able to share my bedroom with somebody without the kids feeling uncomfortable about a stranger’s voice right next to their bedrooms… However dear that voice is to me, for the children, it will be a stranger to start with. And I look forward to having a living room that is simply more attractive, more homely and comfortable than it has been.

I am up to my neck in deadlines and work in general – because I am working with a very special friend on top of my normal job, taking responsibility for his artists website and on top of that, we are working together creatively. Apart from it being fulfilling to see my work actually making a difference, working together creatively is exciting for both of us, as we have known each other for such a long time and things are coming together, enriching the process of creating together massively. So, royalties, here I come – plus I might well be taking on more artists websites in the not-too-distant future. There have been requests already, but nothing specific yet.

Even if this doesn’t grow into a flourishing business (from home or wherever I may be, I might add!), I feel that things are changing at work, too. I feel it might be time to get involved again, with the current changes in management. I believe in the women who will be taking charge soon, and I might stretch my wings a bit. I had given up with that a couple of years ago after a scruffle with the original management, which in my opinion consisted of two dishonest wankers and other naive, forever agreeing and discussing people who however never actually did anything but talking. I only staying at the company because they let me work from home, begrudgingly at first but it has become an unquestioned circumstance, and I couldn’t find any other place where this would be accepted. Also, I changed into a different group, away from wanker-manager, and was henceforth left alone and happy about that.

I’m also awfully excited about my daughter starting school. We went for a first interview last week, and I want to go there, never mind her. I’m looking forward to her spreading her wings, getting in touch with like-minded people and gaining her own standing with people who are on the same kind of level as her in the musical field. I can’t wait for her to start. She finds my excitement about the whole thing a little bit too much, as she is nervous and excited at the same time. She can’t wait to find out what she thinks of the whole thing, but finds me suggesting three times a day that she try the choir as well as play in the orchestra a little bit irritating. I am trying very hard to contain myself.

I’m also excited that the eldest has started actually studying in ernest for iGCSEs. I can’t wait for that either. I’m also loving the fact that he is becoming a very open, easy-going person. He’s got used to awkward conversations with me about just about anything and suddenly, these conversations have lost all their awkwardness and we are able to talk about relationships, sexuality, growing up, you name it, without constraint. It’s wonderful!

I am pleased with myself, too, for keeping it up for the youngest and not falling into the trap of letting go as he is the “baby”. He’s not a baby anymore, and he is having the same hard lessons as the others did. This week he had one about not giving up. I must say, I find it hard. It would be easy to give in and leave it for another day, especially as I’ve been through this with the two other kids already (and will probably have to go through it with them a few more times…). In the end, it wasn’t about finishing the maths exercise at all. It was about staying in control of the frustration, learning that even if it seems difficult to start with, baby steps will get you there. It was about not giving up too easily and believing in oneself.

There is also another development I am insanely pleased about, and it’s been something that has been growing slowly, steadily, without me really noticing. I am feeling more and more comfortable about my body. Sport hasn’t changed my figure very much (I don’t think, anyway!), but I am feeling gradually stronger and I am proud of that. I have something I call a fatpack – where the sixpack should be. It might be a classical cesarean pouch as I’ve only really noticed it very much since little Lily who came by cesarean, but since it has been in my range of attention, it has always felt like a part of my body that doesn’t belong to me. I feel that I can’t get rid of it for just that reason. There is so much pain and grief stored in that fatpack. I once had a massage by a wise woman, who felt her way around my body and actually was massaging my soul. She felt a barrier at my tummy and avoided the area, explaining afterwards that she felt something protecting the area and felt that she didn’t have the right to try to loosen the barrier, it was so tight and “up in arms”. I didn’t think about it a lot, just thought it natural to be so after Lily. Only recently I noticed that I couldn’t even touch myself there. It felt really uncomfortable, as if I was intruding somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be. So I started including this area in my thoughts, giving it attention, love and acceptance. I cried a few times during these mental exercises. Now, I feel that it’s getting better. I feel that this part belongs to me again. It is slowly coming out of hiding standing strong with the rest of my body, scars and all. There is still a lot of work to be done, but my body is moving towards feeling complete within itself – no room for judgement. This is having a domino effect on my general well being and contributing greatly to feeling invincible.

Here’s to positive change!

Here’s to celebrating positive change, and celebrating feeling wonderful.

Here’s to trusting good changes and making them feel welcome.

Here’s to living with both eyes wide open, a soul ready to receive and a mind ready to work.

Never stop, never settle.

There is always a next step to grow towards.

Work Goals

Being a working mum can be a challenge. I personally have a job because I need the income. I am not passionate about my current job and have many ideas of useful activities that I would do instead, but I need to find time to make those ideas real before they will generate income. So I am a little caught, but I suppose that is the same for most of the population.

Right now, it is goal setting time at the company I work for.

In my eyes, this is a big joke.


My real goals are:

  • Get my daughter into school this year
  • Start my eldest son off and get him motivated for iGCSEs
  • Strengthen and support the kids with their physical activity
  • Run a half marathon distance
  • Start up my own business (or at least be ready to start the business early next year)
  • Reduce working hours at my current job
  • Do my paid job in such a way that it disrupts life as little as possible
  • Move my room to enable my younger kids to have rooms of their own
  • Reserve time and energy to create and sustain inner balance
  • Sing at least 2 concerts
  • Eliminate the feeling of guilt for failed days/weeks
  • Be enough for myself, consistently


My job goals will be something like this:

  • work x% client-billable working hours
  • Fill role of documentation nazi
  • Manage user groups x y and z
  • Get some skills certified


The company definitely doesn’t want to know what my goals are. This whole process is just a circus show to ensure that the company’s goals can be handed down to every employee. Making sure that every employee has to define their own goals (in accordance with their manager’s ideas and the global company’s goals) makes HR think that employees will now be motivated, as the goals are now “their” goals. Their personal goals. Goals they care about.


An employee who likes their job will have inherent career goals which you will hear about, if you are a good manager and a kind human. They will ask for the help they need to develop those goals of theirs. Their personal goals. The ones they care about.

An employee who does the job because they have to (like me) doesn’t care a iota for those goals. They are simply part of the unloved job. Of course I’m going to do the work that I’m given, and I’m going to do it to my best ability. That’s the person I am. But I’m not doing that because I defined those goals for myself. Those goals have nothing to do with what I want – in fact, those goals make me feel even worse about my job than I do already, as they show me that the company / HR etc apparently thinks that I am a stupid individual who falls for these little games.


Make company goals that everybody has to follow. These are orders. (In real life, this is what happens anyway, just that I have to type in those orders myself and am supposed to feel personally responsible for them)

Leave an option for personal goals which are individually created by employees, and encourage them by all means for the benefit of personal development, but at no point in time make them mandatory, or something that yearly performance is measured by.





Mr ex, who has already lost being capitalised, is now officially being renamed to twat.

Goodbye, last bit of respect that I had kept hold of based solely on the fact that he is the father of my children.

Man Overboard

No 3 is in hospital with what looked like appendicitis at first, but what turned out to be just a very horrible tummy bug.

I am staying with him at the hospital (I am so grateful for the possibility and the luxury of being able to drop everything and be here!). We spent the first day on a children’s ward for pre- and post operations, then we were moved to the infectious illnesses ward, where we are pretty much confined to the room because of the horrid mix of germs floating about the place.

The little one is much better already, and we are just waiting for some values to get back to normal to get back home.

It’s been a little awkward. I had to decide whether I rely on Mr. ex’s support or not. As he claims to be the most involved father possibly imaginable, I decided to pull him in. This meant that the two older kids had to go to his place a day early (my daughter was not happy about this, but saw the necessity),  and it also meant that I asked him to take over for a few hours so that I could get home to get some clean clothes/shower etc once, and yesterday I asked him to take over while I went for a run (it can be quite daunting being stuck in one room 24/7).

I say it was awkward because even though he says he *wants* to be asked and be part of it, when I did ask him to come earlier so that I can get home he didn’t, but showed up around 6pm – way too late really for the hospital rhythm. But what could I do? Have a go at him because he’s late, or take what little time is left and try to get everything done anyway? I opted for the latter. Even if I complain about it now he won’t change his behaviour if it happens again.

Yesterday I asked him whether I could go for a run which would mean that I would be gone for about 45 mins, and he said that would be fine.

25 mins into my run I get a text “have to go now”. Of course I got back as fast as possible, and of course he was still there. No 3 is now well enough to be left alone for a bit, thank goodness, so I was just annoyed on my run, not alarmed. When I got back I felt fooled, as again I had done everything on my side to make sure that it would be ok for him, and he in turn just tramples on any agreement or arrangement, for the sake of it. I think he really doesn’t get how disrespectful his behaviour is, because he behaves in the same way towards everyone. Today for instance he was teaching No 3 how to make the alarm go off by holding his breath / breathing quickly or trying to make his heart rate go up, with no respect for the fact that the nurses then have to respond to the alarm.

And the smell… It’s really bad. I don’t know what it comes from exactly – I have a feeling it has a lot to do with unwashed bedclothes – but he stinks, in a radius of about a meter and a half. The whole room stinks when he’s there. I opened the window today, because I couldn’t take it. The kids also have the same smell when they come back from his place – it’s vile. At least then I only have to put up with it until they have had their bath/shower. Only my daughter has taken to having regular showers while she’s there, and she’s also keeping her room clean and her bedclothes fresh. It makes a big difference. The boys smell like they have just spent a week at a rubbish dump (which… maybe… is not that far removed…)

Anyway, now he’s carrying this smell into the clean room where everybody is meticulous about disinfecting everything, and I am torn between the fact that he is No 3’s dad and should be here and that from a hygienic point of view he has no business being in a place that relies on people keeping it clean and confining germs as much as possible. I am torn between just bearing it, together with the same stupid jokes over and over again and the communication choices by turning the other way, concentrating on work, holding my breath etc, and between kicking him out – which I have no right to do anyway.

I’ll be glad when this is over and No 3 can be at home again – at mine if it’s still his dad’s week, with the excuse of having to protect his little baby and other siblings from infection, or at mine anyway if it is my week already.

I am very grateful for the possibility to just walk into a hospital and the symptoms to be taken seriously. I don’t have to worry about any bills, because there will be none. All I have to pay for is food for myself. The doctors are not over-medicating him, but they are being thorough. They are also taking my opinion seriously, and the nurses are being lovely with No 3. They are being so lovely that he now wants to work as a nurse and has started asking them about what they are doing. After the particularly rough first night the nurse took one look at me and told me to go back to sleep, as the little one was also very sleepy. They are not making us strictly adhere to their daily routine if there is a better option. There is enough space here for us to have a room for ourselves, and as I said, they are not skimping it. They are being very thorough in finding out what was causing his symptoms to be so bad, making sure they are addressing the infection in the right way and making sure he is 100% ok again on paper before he goes home.

This is the same hospital that Lily was born in (even the same part of the hospital), but I feel comfortable here all the same. It does remind me of that whole experience and period, but it’s ok. It’s another thing that I feel grateful for. It makes me feel pretty sure that I am dealing with it in a good way.


Have I moved much in 2017? Have I come any further? At first glance, it doesn’t seem so. Same job, same house, same situation with the kids, same love situation.

On second glance though, I have a few things to look back on:

The situation with the kids is shifting. Mr ex is slowly realising that he can’t just do as he likes, and that what I have been saying for years might have been sensible all along. He is losing his grip as the kids grow into more independent people and are forming their own expectations. I’m looking forward to the next year for more changes in this way, and in helping the kids find a way that really works for them.

My job – is not shifting. But I have become more organised in it, have had some lovely, personal customer feedback over the year, and although I am less interested than ever, I am able to do a better job with less effort now than I was a year ago. Not caring has its positive sides too – I don’t worry about that part of my life any more. It remains a huge waste of my time though, which is something I need to do something about soon. I have ideas galore and need to find the discipline, time and daily motivation to turn the first one into reality.

Music. I sung two concerts over the last year, both with a very dear friend from ages ago, who took me into her orchestra and choir when I was a teenager. Two (sung) concerts this year are two more than the year before, so I’m happy. I also met an ex singer in the region here who I could take lessons with. An English bloke, and maybe an opportunity to do more concerts around here as he has the contacts that I so desperately lack. Again, I have to find the time to practice regularly for this, so this will probably not change quickly.

My love life is as confusing as ever. I know what I want – and I think I know that it’s not just me who wants that – but I feel we require about a month together 24/7 (no work/kids/other stuff interfering) to overcome all the communication blocks  and frustrations that we’ve run into over the last nearly two years. Alternatively we could both commit to bring anything up to work though as soon as it seems to be stopping us in one way or another. I can think of 3 things straight off that I would like to get straight. But at the moment I don’t feel that this would be appropriate on the reduced communication basis we are surviving on right now. Maybe I’ll write a letter actually. Still – on the bright side, we are still rolling – even if the tires are a bit deflated at the moment and there are a lot of stones and potholes in the road. I believe in us, more than ever.

I want to move house. This one is falling to bits, it’s only rented so I don’t feel I can actually change things here, and I would like more rooms so that the children don’t have to share rooms and perhaps less space that is seldom used. Also, the wasted space here is ridiculous… The attic is huge but cannot be used because it is cold and wet in winter and burning hot in summer, and again, I can’t insulate it and turn it into living space because I don’t own the place. However, I baulk at the idea of trying to find some place here, on my own. I want my next home to be a real home, my nest. I’m not saying forever, because it won’t be. But I don’t want to move house as a single again. Maybe I am tripping myself up with this wish, but that is how it feels for me at the moment. Maybe it’s something I should explore a bit over the next months.

Personally, my belief in myself has grown over the last year – again. I have let go of the idea that I am no good at learning languages (Mr ex convinced me of this years ago). I am now successfully using French in my job, I feel confident in Romanian after 1 1/2 years of learning (and I hear my pronunciation is quite good 😉 ) and I am slowly starting on Italian as I understand such a lot of it that it seems a waste not to learn it properly. I was utterly nervous when I started with Romanian, and needed the positive support and the insistence that I take courage and speak that comes in such massive loads from all the people who helped me. Thank you all! Now I approach the whole process in a much more relaxed way, and it feels as if this obstacle is removed for good. I’m also very satisfied with my progress in running and yoga. I needed to start doing these things for myself, and it’s doing me a load of good on a regular basis.

Last night was a little uncomfortable for me. I still feel uncomfortable. I was over at my running friend’s house – we have been spending more and more time together, which I love as she is a lovely person. We run together, we do certain school things together, we have been skiing together, and the kids go in and out as more or less as they like. I am extremely grateful for the friendship and the family partnership we have. At Christmas, we were there too and my friend said how grateful she was to be with the whole family – and that is how it feels sometimes, like one big family.

Anyway, last night a different friend was there, me without the kids, her single and very able mum (Granny), her sister-in-law and the rest of the family. That makes for a lot of single women. The kids disappeared quite a bit, and the husband also clearly had had too much and kept to himself for most of the evening. Granny started asking about dating. The other friend had recently met somebody, and it was all going very well and nicely, he was writing all the right things, doing all the right things etc. Then Granny turned on me. She knows bits of my story. She started ranting about how certain women just need to be treated like sh***, and that was why they invite only one type of man. Why wasn’t he here or I over there if he was such a great guy, she was asking? did I feel happy with how it was? well, then, that just proved it.

I know what I feel and what I believe, but I wasn’t going to stand up to Granny and tell her to mind her own business. I wasn’t going to turn it around and tell her what I thought of her standards and values (which she is always freely sharing – it mostly centers around having her own apartment and receiving the correct gifts). After all, she is not my mum, I am not actually family and it was New Years Eve and not a time for pissing off your friend’s mum. I don’t know – she’s been digging at me a lot lately I feel. There always seems to be something wrong with my opinion.

Anyway, however much trust I have in my belief that things will turn out the way they should and that these last 2 years were the way they were for a very important reason, I still felt badly under attack, and I’m still feeling it now. Maybe yoga will help.

But honestly, why do certain women think it’s ok to lash out like that? It’s not as if all this touches her life in any way. Or maybe it does, in a way that I don’t understand. Maybe my trust in life is undermining her own more materialistic beliefs.


Here’s to a new year, full of new beginnings,
growth, beauty, love, strength, trust and faith.
Let’s make the world a better place
by being the people we want to be
and by staying true to our values.
Let’s spread love and support,
and practice opening our mind.
Let’s make sure that we have a growing list of things
we are pleased with and proud of in our lives,
and a shrinking list of things we feel uncomfortable with.
Bring it on!


My Daughter

is my second child.

She is a lovely, wise child, kind, helping, gifted, intuitive. Sometimes she gets stuck in her own point of view and only sees negative things. I help her out of that when it happens, and it hasn’t happened for a long time. She’s also very quiet. When she gets upset about something, it comes erupting out of her after it’s been stewing inside her for a long time. She isn’t able yet to put her negative feelings into words before they explode.

She hates her weeks at her dad’s. She’s so grateful for any break she can get, so that she can relax. When I pick her up for anything I can feel her warming up, relaxing layer after layer, and finding her natural self again, the one without the thick walls around her. She doesn’t get on because of a myriad of things – things he is not willing to change because “she just has to deal with how things are at his place”. She complains about the smell there (there is a horrible stench on him and in his flat), the food he allows (he doesn’t allow normal bread, for example, not even wholemeal, because he read something…. and if he feels that just salad is enough for him, then it also has to be enough for the kids. I could go on.), she is repelled by his physical self (again – unwashed clothes, the smell associated, apparently his breath also smells bad), the absence of structure and planning in the day frustrates her, she doesn’t understand his “lessons” and gets into trouble about that (he told her she was a lost case), she dislikes the fact that he makes her pick up his mess without doing any of the work himself, the late nights distress her, all the rules (they have to watch a documentary before going to bed – which automatically means that they can’t go to bed before he puts the bloody documentary on, which is usually after midnight). The list goes on.

What she likes there is that her best friend lives close (although her father doesn’t always allow her to visit her friend), and that she has more external activities such as swimming club there than she has here.

Today, I had suggested meeting her after her music theory lesson. It’s quite late in the day, so I thought I would pick her up, take her for a hot chocolate and 15 mins of relaxing before taking her back to her father’s. He would never know the difference. If he did, he has been known for not letting her go to the course, so that I should not “interfere with his upbringing and soften her”. I’m not absolutely sure whether it is right to encourage this kind of thing, but ultimately, I don’t see much harm in it, as I only wanted to give her that little break.

Anyway, just after we had got in the car and were heading off, he rang her, telling her that he would be there in 3 minutes to pick her up (usually, he can never be bothered to pick her up from anywhere, no matter what hour). She was in tears. She was so upset. It broke my heart to see her like that, but I had to leave, she wanted me to, to spare her the trouble of having to deal with him punishing her for this.

I need to get her away from him. I can’t let her be unhappy half of her time. But how? He won’t believe me. He thinks that I am the one building her up against him, that I am the reason she doesn’t love him as a good daughter should. He also thinks that I am being overprotective and if left to myself, would bring up all three kids to be complete softies unfit to fend for themselves as adults. He sees himself as their savior in that respect. He doesn’t see that he might be the one creating problems with his disrespect and bullying behaviour.

I have several options whirring around in my head:

  1. I want to get her to a psychologist. She needs to know that she’s ok, and I can’t be the only person telling her that. She won’t believe me for ever. She needs another adult helping her, somebody she can trust. I also need an professional assessment of the situation, and them to help me find the best way of dealing with her dad for her.
  2. She wants to go to school, and I think that would be fantastic. She loves a classroom setting and does well learning in a group. There is even a music focused school in the city we live close to – she would love it. This would also get her away from him for at least half the day, and necessitate early bedtimes and less nonsense, if she does have to keep going to her dad’s. How I am going to get her father to agree and sign the documents, I don’t know. Even less for a music focused school, as he thinks that music should not be taken seriously and wants to force her into STEM – something that she is not made for at all. Nevertheless, I called the school today to inquire about formalities and options.
  3. Move to Germany, where her father lives (this is my least favourite option, but I have already had a first skim through houses/apartments). This way, the German systems would be responsible for us at his place as well as mine, and I could get social services moving. As it is, the french social services can’t insist on inspecting his place and the whole situation, and the germans won’t because she has her main address in France. Also, I would have more weight in the whole school question, because in Germany, home schooling is not allowed. But that would also mean that all three kids would end up going to school. For the big one, this would be good but so hard. For the little one, I would have to find a really good school that supports his very advanced skills in some areas, but I guess this would be possible.
  4. Gently let my daughter know that her dad can’t actually make her go to his. He could call the police, as there is this shitty court order in place, but then what – it would have to be an international operation across the border. I can’t see that happening too easily, even less so if the child in question clearly says that she doesn’t want to go and has actual reasons. Only – I can’t be the one to suggest this to her. She will have to find that out herself. I mustn’t in any way encourage her not to go to her dad’s. I will however let her know that in the case that there is some possibility of her staying with me more, I will find a way to make it work. I don’t want her going because she thinks I might lose my job otherwise or something.

I hate having to leave her alone in this. I hate knowing that she is feeling so unhappy without being able to be there and fix her broken soul whenever it needs fixing. I (and she) have to wait until she is back here. When I broke up with my dad, at least I didn’t have to spend time with him. I could avoid him, and was never made to go and visit him. I didn’t exactly have active support – my mother agreed with my reasons, but didn’t want to encourage me by showing support – but at least I had the possibility to make my decision and live it (something I’ve never regretted by the way). I also had the option of going straight to my mum after one of the many arguments and getting hearing that yes, nobody had the right to call me what he called me.

What would I do if it was the other way around? Say my eldest, for example. He and I get on, but we don’t have a very deep bond, because we are so different. Our bond needs active work. If he was constantly unhappy here because of me as a person and because of the situation here, and I could see that he was doing well and happy at his dad’s (providing his dad would ever get the basics straight, which is highly unlikely…), would I let him go?

I think I would. I would want regular reports from his dad on what he’s doing, and how he is doing. I would want to be involved in important questions such as next steps in education etc. I would want to make sure that I still see him on a regular basis, and make sure that I use that time to actively work on that bond. I would probably not give up straight away, and would try to find out with him how we can improve to make it better for him (while still possible for me). But I would set a limit. I would not want my child to be unhappy when he could be growing up just as well (or better) and happy.

What it Means When I Say I Miss You

It means waking up feeling your absence.

It means feeling my soul trying to find yours.

It means seeing something beautiful and wanting to share it with you.

It means being reminded of you by lots of little things.

It means all of a sudden feeling your skin under my fingertips but knowing that it is only a memory.

It means hoping to see you at every corner because – who knows? You might come and surprise me one day.

It means living all the joyful moments of life with a little tinge of sadness because I would so like to share them with you.

It means knowing that I can’t rest on your shoulder, although that is what I would need most sometimes.

It means feeling your absence while choosing a dress online.

It means wanting to be there for you, when you need a shoulder to rest on.

It means feeling my hands in your hair and feeling sad because it is only my imagination.

It means having an ever growing list of things I want to do with you and hoping that that list will start to get shorter one day.

It means desiring you, and only you.

It means keeping busy so that I don’t feel your absence too much.

It means staying up until too late because I miss you strongest at night, alone in bed.

It means a little memory of happiness when I hear somebody with a voice and a way of speaking similar to yours.

It means everything continuously feeling as if it’s on hold – even though all sorts of things are happening and going on.

It means the constant threat of a huge discussion in my head about all the things I could have done better or understood better in connection with you.

It means waking up with you engraved on my soul and going to sleep with you engraved on my soul.

It means wondering how you are – deep inside.

It means all this, every day.

I miss you.

Sticky Soul

You have let me know so strongly that you are not interested enough.

Not interested enough to at least try to be reliable.

Not interested enough to keep in touch.

Not interested enough to care about how I am doing.

Not interested enough to show concern when you know that I am not struggling.

Not interested enough to make sure that we see each other.

Not interested enough to make us a realistic possibility.

My head has understood. My heart is on its way.

But my soul is a completely different matter. So is my body. My soul reaches out to you every day. My soul doesn’t accept the distance. My soul reasons with my head, reminding it of your words and your promises and of how you feel to me, deep down. It begs my heart to have faith in you. Faith in those words, faith in your intentions, faith in life’s way of bringing together what needs to be together. My body craves you, and seems to accept no other.

Why do I have so much faith in you? Where does this energy come from that keeps me in this state of missing you, of wanting to be with you, and of looking for possibilities to close the geographical distance in a sustainable way?

I wish I was wise enough to understand myself in real-time.

As it is, I will stick to accepting whatever is at present.

Insight will follow if I am patient and observant enough. Sometimes, positive acceptance is the most satisfying path to choose.

Trust and Trustworthiness

The kids are getting to the age when trust is no longer a given. Trust to us as parents has to be earned the hard way, like we expect any other adult to earn our trust through their trustworthiness.

Only, with one’s children, it’s not that easy. After all, there is still the parent-child relationship to be taken into account. The guiding role of the one, the following, experimenting, self-defining and rebelling role of the other.

I witnessed a scene today while bringing my eldest back to his dad’s after having spent some days in Rome with him.

My daughter told me that her dad had taken her phone away from her. This means that she can only contact me using her dad’s phone or one of the computers in the main room. In the past, she has experienced him forbidding all contact to me and making communication impossible. This is why she usually hides away to talk to me and still does not dare to call me if he is in the house, for fear that he will turn this way again. She usually writes to me on whatsapp, where she has  privacy.

This time, he had taken her phone away because he had a problem with her playing senseless phone games on it.

Fair enough.

Only – he has not understood that this punishment will only feed her distrust in him. He has never had a sensible conversation with her. He has this idea that his kids have to earn his trust – but not the other way around.

I personally think that as the grownup in the constellation with my kids, it is my duty to take the first step and communicate from a position of trust, even if I witness the kids doing something that I have explicitly told them not to do. All of them have often heard me say “I need to be able to trust you, just like you need to be able to trust me. It’s the only way we can work as a family. If you show me repeatedly that my trust in you is misplaced, the consequence would be that I have to take total control of you (being the responsible adult), until you can control this yourself, which would be an unfeasible and very uncomfortable solution”. I do not accept the absence of trust. However, I try to understand that they are growing people. Children don’t automatically learn how to be trustworthy. It’s something they learn with time, through recognizing the value of trust and trustworthiness, and it takes time for them to recognize the effect of their own actions within this complex inter-human system.

When they are toddlers, we spend forever and a day gently (and sometimes maybe less gently) explaining the importance of not hurting others. Or sharing. Or not throwing their food onto the floor. Etc. Nobody in their right minds would react by making the undesired behaviour impossible as soon as it shows itself the first time – in the case of hurting others, perhaps keeping the kid in question behind bars until it “is old enough to understand” – providing the behaviour is not seriously damaging. We know from years of research and wacky educational concepts that punishment only generates frustration, fear and in the end, rebellion.

As the kids grow older, they are able to learn more complex things. They go from accepting that parents make the laws of the family to questioning the importance of every single one of those laws. Being trustworthy within the family falls into that category, and is a very complex law indeed.

Because – why indeed is it important that a kid should not be playing games on the phone if the parent has forbidden it? Is there any direct harm? None that the kid would recognize as harm. As a parent, we might see addiction, passive waste of time, the senselessness of it, the hiding away from the real world. An 11 year old will not see this. To an 11 year old, games on a phone are a welcome break when there is nothing else (easy) to do.

In my opinion, our patience with our children should remain the same as they grow older as it was with the toddlers they once were.

Of course they are able to grasp more complex ideas as they grow older. But they are also dealing with more complex situations. Children will repeat mistakes, or misunderstand things, or simply have a changing opinion or understanding of things. Some children will learn certain concepts easily, others will take more time and require more patience to learn the same concepts.

But the important point is, that they won’t learn to understand the importance of the concepts we are trying to teach them if we teach them from a position of distrust. They may learn to hide the offending behaviour, or veil it with something else, but they won’t incorporate the concept if their whole behaviour and personality is inherently distrusted.

As parents we have to trust in our children’s ability to adopt the values we see as being important, but also be open for a discussion of those values. We need to be able to explain why we think a certain concept or value is of importance. We need to live that value, and bring it to the table in the relationship with our growing children.

I don’t mean to say that we should blindly trust our kids, simply assuming that they are doing the right thing because we stubbornly stick to the assumption that they are good people. As adults I think we all know that there is space for good and bad in every one of us – we make conscious and unconscious choices about what we fill the space with, and for most of us, there will be a healthy mix of both, hopefully tending towards the good. I am saying that we should always offer trust to our children, but also confront situations we are unhappy about, or see to be harmful, or wrong. This can be a very difficult and exhausting thing to do, but then – who ever said that being a parent was going to be easy…

Let me give you an example:

A few weeks ago, I had to go out with the eldest late at night for some time. I asked the younger two to get themselves ready for bed and read or play quietly until I would come back, and I told them at what time about I thought they should do that, and when to expect me back.

I expressly told them not to watch any videos or play stuff on the phone, but when I got back, they were both in one bed, huddled over a screen watching minecraft videos.

I was disappointed when I got back, and I told them that. I asked them whether they knew why I don’t like them being on the screen late at night (which they did). I let them know that what especially disappointed and upset me was that they had agreed to not watching stuff, and that they had then gone behind my back and done exactly what they had agreed not to do. I let them know that I expect them to get in touch if they change their mind about what they have agreed to and to let me know. I let them know that of course there is no great damage done by watching a few videos once in a while, whatever the time, but that the real problem and the reason I was upset was that they had intentionally broken the agreement without a second thought.

Next time I have to go out and I ask them to agree to something similar, I will trust them again.

I will not switch the internet off or lock all smart devices up, nor will I call them every 10 mins to check up on what they are doing. I will however remind them that I expect them to keep to what they have agreed to or otherwise let me know and ask whether we can find a different agreement.

I hope that they will learn this way – learn to understand their own choices and in time, that they will form their own set of values which they will stand up for. I hope that being trusting and trustworthy will be one of their choices.

I don’t see that the children’s dad will succeed in having the relationships he envisions with any of his kids with the way he attempting to pull them towards the behaviour he thinks is important. Every time he punishes the “wrong” behaviour, he will push them a little further away from himself.

Trust lies at the bottom of every relationship – and children rapidly develop from trusting automatically, because they are programmed to do so by evolution in order to survive, to independent personalities who make more and more choices about who they are and who is worthy of their trust themselves, blood relation or not.