Bits and pieces

I really don’t know what I want to write about today, I just know that I want to write. Life is so quiet at the moment, although it isn’t of course. There’s my cousin’s cancer diagnosis. My daughters ongoing struggle with mental health. Watching my eldest get seriously worried over school. Helping my youngest through his big worries. There’s work, and the battle for trust that one faces as a new senior employee. There’s my stubborn issues with getting enough sleep.

On the upside, my daughter is amazingly resilient and is learning how to recover, and how to navigate her mind, even when it is playing evil tricks on her. My youngest is learning that having tough conversations and setting up boundaries is a good thing. My eldest is learning to be brave and face difficulties upfront, before they become bigger than necessary. I’m learning to trust myself at work, and to ask for help if I need it. I’m learning to get physical issues I can’t quite understand checked out, and am trying to model more trust in doctors for the kids (I’d rather they go to the doctors office more often than necessary and being overly insistent than ending up with a serious diagnosis of an advanced stage of disease as young adults). I’m also learning to just do things – like going out for runs, yoga and other things that do me good – and ignoring the reasons my mind throws my way on why it would be ok to skip these things just this once. I’m hoping that will help me get to bed, but I’m still waiting for that to happen.

Actually, there is one thing I’m really proud of. I’ve started practising the cello again, every day. I hadn’t been playing for a long time, only picking it up for orchestra rehearsals and maybe the occasional practise session before a concert with the orchestra. Naturally, I was getting worse and worse, and more and more unhappy at orchestra rehearsals and concerts.

Then, an unthinkable thing happend. I had a rehearsal to go to, and Y had stayed the night. Usually, if I have something to do and the kids are around, he clears off quite soon after we get up, but that time, he stuck around. He also insisted that I warm up at least, before heading to the rehearsal. I was very reluctant, mainly because I was so embarrassed of how bad I sounded by then, after such a long time with no practise whatsoever. But I did, because he was right. And it was terrible, embarrassing, and humiliating. He didn’t say or do anything to make me feel this way; it was all me. Anyway, after the rehearsal I felt awful, and decided I would have to give up altogether. I wrote to Y about my plan. And instead of agreeing (which I thought he would – he is a musician himself, he knows I sounded like crap! Have I mentioned that I feel incredibly lucky to have this gem of a person in my life?), he suggested not waisting all the time I had invested up until now and simply starting to pick the instrument up every day. Just for scales. Just 10 minutes. Anything really, as long as it included playing a few notes every day.

I did exactly that, still embarrassed, but he made me feel a lot better about myself. It’s been just over two months, and I have 3 bars left of the prelude to the first cello suite by Bach, one of my favourite pieces. I listen to it when I get frightened, because it calms me down and keeps my mind engaged and distracted from whatever is frightening me. I’m not playing it perfectly, but I’ve heard it worse too. I’ve gone from one scale to 10 of the 14 major scales, and I’m doing finger work with the metronome, all the while sticking to 30 mins practise a day max, so that I don’t get overwhelmed. And I keep calling myself back from having expectations. Having growing expectations ruins days that aren’t as good as the previous day, and that happens often enough. So it’s important to start each session without any expectations, and with a clean slate. It’s the only way for me to keep frustration out of it, and therefore ban the risk of giving up quickly.

So, there you have it. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to overcome the negative self talk, essentially. Trying to develop the habit of keeping it at bay. And trying to help the kids do the same, from a much earlier age than I started at.

New Job, New Me

Literally. I’m being a different person than I was in my old job.

In my old job, my work was very much appreciated, but I had a defined play field. I was also never considered a leader figure, although I led quite a bit. But I lead gently… I’m not noisy about it.

With my new job, I’m entering the company as a leader. I’m expected to visibly lead, not the gentle, quite coaxing type of leading I’m used to. ‘We’re looking for your guidance here’, or ‘Please change whatever you like ; meetings, processes, structures – anything’ or the scariest of all – ‘your experience will really help us with this’

I don’t feel experienced, nor ready to guide a product I know very little about, built by a team I hardly know the names of. I’m seeing things that could be improved, but I don’t feel comfortable changing things without understanding why things are the way they are.

So I’m making an effort to be bold, believe in myself, and overcome my habit of moving slowly to begin with, observing more than I contribute, desperately trying to work out how things work in this new environment.

This is the most adult I’ve had to be in my whole life, I think…

Good Stuff

I’ve been offered a fantastic new job, in a new company. The conditions are the stuff of dreams, and they really want me on board. I feel they are a wonderful fit for me, and they seem to think that too.

At the beginning of the week I told my direct manager about it. The conversation was an awkward breakup conversation, and ended with him saying that he would see what he could do to convince me to stay.

I haven’t got the final contract yet, but I should have it in a few days. I told my manager that I hadn’t signed yet, but that my mind was pretty much made up, because the offer is far too good to walk away from.

Today was the day he was going to get back to me with a “retention” offer. He had also got his manager involved, who knows the space the new company operates in, to give an honest opinion of what I was getting myself into.

I trust these two guys. They are honest people who sometimes hide their intentions in the interest of their professional role, but they both have a good soul. So I was getting really nervous. What if he knew about something I hadn’t spotted? What if he had insider knowledge that showed that the new company want all it seemed? I would have to go back to the drawing board, and decide whether I was still going to leave under the assumption of a definite risk.

However, he was sad to report that he had only heard good things about the new company. The retention offer was nothing really, just a personal promise that if I stayed, I would have their support to be promoted to product director at some point in the next few years.

So now, my mind is set. After 9 years, I’ll be starting a new job, and I’ll start it as a senior member of the new company. No more little me. It’s Miss Bigboots now. Miss Bigboots will feel every mistake she makes, but she’ll also feel everything she does right. Miss Bigboots is going to be able to stretch her wings and fly, in a role that she’s already proven to be good at.

I’ve already started work wrapping up. When I’m gone, I want things to have my name on them – in a good way. Not like the tech director I like to cite as am example of how not to do things, because he was an incompetent prick with a way of not only not getting things right, but making decisions so bad that 4 years later, they can still be felt. I want to leave the opposite of that behind, and to do that, I have to tie up a lot of loose ends mighty quick.

I’m really excited about the change. It feels a little like moving into my first own home. Now, I’ll be on control of things. I’ll be able to develop my very own style and grow up. The kids are sharing my excitement, because they understand that this is a big step – even if they don’t quite get the details. Y is proud to burst – he makes me feel very special, especially when he dives into my excitement with me. He makes every accomplishment feel more valuable, just by sharing the happiness I’m feeling and getting genuinely excited on my behalf.

I truly feel blessed all around.

Proud of Myself

A few weeks ago, a headhunter wrote me a well researched and friendly message on LinkedIn, which is a rare occurrence. This lady had obviously read my profile (!), understood details of my experience (no!) and matched it with her requirements very well (unbelievable!).

…just for reference – usually, these messages refer to some knowledge I had 10 years ago, at a totally wrong level of expertise, and asking for a profile that is miles away from anything my profile suggests I might be moderately good at. These headhunters sometimes receive rude answers from me, if I can be arsed.

Anyway, now I’m in the middle of the interview process, and I’m feeling so empowered and proud of where I have got to professionally. I don’t need this job. They need somebody like me to fill it though, and I am bringing so much to the table.

All those years of struggling to make myself heard and of asserting myself and my ideas were not for nothing, because now I actually know what I’m talking about. I’m confident, I know what works and what doesn’t, and I know what I’m good at, and what I need support with.

I’m not striving to paint a glittering picture of myself, because if they don’t want me, I don’t need them anyway. I’m being totally honest and transparent, and they’re liking what they’re seeing (… mostly hearing) a lot.

It’s an amazing experience because I’m not trying to sell myself. It’s the ultimate confidence boost and changes the nature of the conversations completely.

It also changes how I position myself at my current workplace. I can compare myself to colleagues of course, but then, everyone who knows details about a product you don’t know so much about sounds like a wizard, especially if they use big buzzy words and play all the big company games right. It’s not the same thing, because you’re always centered around real problems, competing for people or resources, or visibility to higher management. With the knowledge that my profile is more than good enough, I’m so much more confident. I’m not the junior just-slipped-into-this-job girl. I’m good, and I know it.

I’m beginning to understand why empowered women are “dangerous” 😉

Isolation

Isolation sucks. Keeping in touch without really being in touch sucks. Trying to keep a sense of purpose sucks. Craving easy carelessness sucks. Yearning for cuddles sucks. Living in suspense while trying to pretend that everything can carry on as usual sucks.

Videos are good. Video chats are good. But they are not enough if what you need is a place to take a break from the crazy and just be for a bit.

We are safe – that is good. But we are each fighting to maintain sanity, everyone for themselves. It takes a huge amount of energy, and my stores of extra energy are depleted after years of relying on them on a day to day basis.

I feel as if I need at least a year off. Off work, off t, off pandemics, and instead have a year of stability, and feeling safe and loved.

That would be nice.

Quarantine

Because my daughter and I spent considerable time in one of the highly affected regions, we are now in quarantine. I even had myself tested in the end, because I had breathing difficulties – ever so light, but noticeable.

My daughter was sent home from school as soon as this region was declared a high risk region. The boys weren’t, because they were only asked whether they had been there themselves, which they truthfully denied. But a quick email to the secretary confirmed that they would also have to stay home for the 14 day period.

I’ve been having a queer week. I’ve had little breathing pain, and shortness of breath. I’ve been trying to convey calm to the kids but also trying to help them understand the seriousness of the situation, while trying to find a doctor to get myself tested. I’ve been trying to work, and pretend that everything is fine and I am on top of my tasks working from home. I’ve also been trying to get hold of the kids’teachers so that they don’t hang around doing nothing all day, and keep up with school.

Now, school is going to be closed for the next 5 weeks anyway, and teachers are sending emails to the whole class, so everybody is in the same boat. That’s a lot easier that way. But all the same, with the ex calling this “holidays”, it will be important to make sure that the kids themselves understand that they are not on holiday, and that they have work to do. Back to homeschooling, just a very different homeschooling than it was.

My eldest is dealing with this situation really well. He’s on the phone with friends, keeping himself busy with school work and other little projects (and a lot of chatting). On Friday, he even dialled into a class and actively took part with his friend’s help. Having things to work on will do him good.

My youngest isn’t too bothered either. He’s looking forward to not going to school, he’s being a bit difficult about the work I’ve given him to do, but in general, he’s happy to be inside, play a few games, read, program (he’s picking up scratch programming), and lots of khan academy.

My daughter though, she’s lost. Maybe she’s fighting whatever I have off, too. She’s been very tired this week, but she’s also not making it easy for herself. She’s sticking to her room, on WhatsApp and YouTube, as I’ve taken off the time limit on her phone for this period so that she can stay connected with her friends. She’s texting with friends, but that’s not enough. For some reason she doesn’t get on phonecalls with them, though. She could be using the time to practice for upcoming auditions – but she isn’t. If I mention it, or mention anything she could be doing, she gets annoyed, tells me that there’s nothing she wants to do, and that she’s sad. She needs the social stimulus she gets from school, and right now, instead of making up for it, she’s just turning into a crumpled heap of misery.

Tomorrow, with her school work coming from her teachers, I’ll have to take control and give her a structure to follow. I’ve left her alone this week because her emotions are valid and I think she needs some time to come to terms with all this change – but now, she also needs help to snap out of it again, which she isn’t doing by herself. Right now, she’s definitely not in a good place, and I think structure and clear expectations will help her with that.

At least we’ll be out of strict quarantine after this week, provided my test comes back negative. Let’s hope we’re not in complete lockdown by then.

Disappointing Oneself

My daughter had an audition today. She wasn’t feeling prepared, not does she feel entirely comfortable with the piece. This audition was only for a local talent thing – nothing of any consequence.

Then why this piece? Why not a different one?

She has a series of important auditions coming up. She is auditioning for for the regions’ official youth orchestras, as well as something at school. For one of these auditions, she will have to play that difficult piece that she is not comfortable with yet, and she will have to play it well in a high pressure atmosphere.

Today, she got totally nervous just before her slot. She played badly, her fingers were sweaty, they locked and so her fingers and bow were no longer synchronised. It was a horrible experience for her, and she left the room in tears. I helped her get out as quickly and as shielded as possible, as soon as I saw what state she was in.

She stayed in this state for the drive to the next appointment and half the rehearsal we had that day. She was too sad to talk about it, and I’m glad that a bite to eat then lifted her spirits in the end.

I know exactly what kind of a feeling that is. It’s a mixture of feeling preposterous, stupid, embarrassed, helpless, disappointed and sad. If that doesn’t kill the ego, nothing will.

Auditions will take on an important role in her life, and it’s important that she learns to deal with them in a good way. Of course fear of auditions is something that affects most musicians, which also means that there are lots of strategies and exercises out there that she can try.

We’re going to start working on that in the next few weeks. With auditions looming, there’s not a moment to lose. 

As a parent, these moments are awfully difficult to navigate. I know she should have prepared the piece better, audition or no audition. For her, practice is 2 hours in which she works on stuff her teacher has told her to work on. She does it well and works diligently. But it’s also time for her to understand that her practice should be adapted to what she is trying to achieve. If there is Ann audition coming up and the piece isn’t ready, she will have to learn to make that the goal, instead of practicing by the clock and putting her instrument down as soon as her time is up. Her disappointment today might serve to make sure she prepares more responsibly. It also shows her that she’ll have to do some extra mental work to deal with these high pressure situations well – obviously, just hoping for the best is not reliable enough.

On the other hand, I just want to wrap her up in my arms and protect her from those negative feelings, but right now, that wouldn’t help her at all.

Proud Mummy Moment

My daughter was accepted into the university symphony orchestra as the youngest *ever* member. That happened months ago, but today I got my first glimpse.

They had an open rehearsal today, and of course I came to listen.

To see her there, competent and confident, the people around her at least double her age, was amazing. I mean, just a second ago I was teaching her to read, and to ride a bike, and all that. And just like that, she’s grown into a full sized person who takes her space in an adult orchestra, which in itself is an intricate web of knowledge, subtle communication, and of course skill. There she is, fitting in, not one bit behind anyone else in skill and understanding, standing her ground undaunted.

What a miracle. What a proud mum I am.

— I had a very similar sense of amazement when my eldest went out for his first interview ever and got the internship. Suddenly they totter off on their own adult legs, and all of a sudden, they know how to do stuff. Amazing. Only that in the case of the interview, I heard about it afterwards. Today, I got to witness the wash off amazement first hand.

Tidbits No 8

Weird angle today, but hey.

Also, I find it to be impossible to take these videos when the boys are home, so it’s not going to be quite the daily habit I was aiming for.

Tidbits No 7

Concert day for my daughter. She played well, but hadn’t realised that herself.

Her teacher was happy and told her that he’s happy to see her denounce, how relaxed she’s getting, how free she was playing, and that it was fun to listen to her.

And she just have him a sideways look and said “you’re being ironic, aren’t you…”

A year or so ago, she was too shy to talk to him properly. She’s slowly coming out of her shell. With “young people” – including everyone up to an invisible barrier that she has yet to define, as it includes university students too who are 10 years older than her – she is totally comfortable, maybe even a bit big for her boots. With adult women it’s a case by case decision. Her music teacher for instance has given her responsibility for her section, and she feels taken seriously because of that and had eye level conversations with her. With others she’s ok but mostly quiet.

With adult men, she goes mute, but we’re working on it. With her faithful teacher, who put up with a mute student for many years, she’s finally making progress.