Therapy

I started looking for a therapist at the beginning of 2021, when depression threw me off my feet and made it very clear that I didn’t want to carry on dragging myself out of those dark holes by myself anymore. In talking to my doctor, I also realised that I have more than enough baggage that might benefit from therapy, so I felt better about it and less of a failure for needing therapy in the first place. Hadn’t the toxic men in my life always angrily suggested that I needed therapy, because there certainly wasn’t anything wrong with their perception of things, and it was clearly me who had a few screws loose and was impossible to get on with? This is one of the things that had kept me from seeking help earlier. I knew I was not the root problem, so I wasn’t going to prove them right after all by heading off to therapy.

Back at the beginning of the year, I found one therapist who could do a session with me, but it ended there.

That first session was helpful though, all the same. He confirmed again that some of my experiences were indeed traumatic and that they could lead to depression like I had. He also told me something very valuable: he said that depression is like any other illness, a flu for example. It comes and goes, but in the end, you do usually recover. Time and your body does its thing, and the weakness etc passes in the end, although it doesn’t feel like it while you’re in the middle of it. This little piece of wisdom allowed me to relax a little and be less afraid of getting caught in an episode again and not managing to get out of it by myself.

I am now with my ‘forever’ therapist, and the therapy sessions have just been approved. I see him for an hour every week. He does analytical psychology, as I want to unravel the causes of my dark phases rather than develop strategies and behaviour to deal with them better. I’m intuitively quite good at the strategies.

Therapy is an interesting experience. My therapist usually starts the session off with asking me what came up during the week. This irritated me at first, because wasn’t he supposed to be leading me to deeper understanding, and show me how to unravel whatever has got stuck in my mind? Didn’t he know the way through this murky mess? But I’ve got used to it and find something to talk about, and we get going.

Up until now, I’ve told him bits and pieces about myself, usually something associated with something that ‘came up during the week’. I decided I liked working with him after a session or two, because he listens to my thoughts and feelings, and then shows me parallels and patterns to something I said earlier, or even mentioned off hand some sessions earlier. I felt he was working me out quite quickly, and reckoned that would be a good thing for somebody who’s job it was to work me out, then sort me out.

I’ve noticed that there’s a pattern. The sessions aren’t quite as random as I first thought. He closes the session by summarizing what we’ve been talking about, and puts it in a way that makes me continue thinking about it a little bit differently than the week before. So without even noticing, I spend time between sessions mulling things over, remembering things, and seeing them in a different, more distanced and reflected light. Just that by itself opens up a different level of understanding of myself and the way I feel and think about things.

Until now it’s felt very easy, as it happens by itself. Understanding things better actually makes me feel more peaceful. He warned me though that there would be times when it would get tough, and I might want to quit. So I feel I should leave room for that to happen and not feel too optimistic about the whole process just yet.

So far though, it feels like a slow and steady house clean. You open up a drawer, sort out what’s in it, put some of the things in a different place, others you fold and put back, and some get thrown out. Then on to the next drawer, until it’s all neat and clean.

I’m still on the first drawer at the moment, and it’s quite a big one. I wonder how far I’ve got with it already, and how much more I’ll find that’s been hastily stuffed in to keep it out of sight.

New Job, New Me

Literally. I’m being a different person than I was in my old job.

In my old job, my work was very much appreciated, but I had a defined play field. I was also never considered a leader figure, although I led quite a bit. But I lead gently… I’m not noisy about it.

With my new job, I’m entering the company as a leader. I’m expected to visibly lead, not the gentle, quite coaxing type of leading I’m used to. ‘We’re looking for your guidance here’, or ‘Please change whatever you like ; meetings, processes, structures – anything’ or the scariest of all – ‘your experience will really help us with this’

I don’t feel experienced, nor ready to guide a product I know very little about, built by a team I hardly know the names of. I’m seeing things that could be improved, but I don’t feel comfortable changing things without understanding why things are the way they are.

So I’m making an effort to be bold, believe in myself, and overcome my habit of moving slowly to begin with, observing more than I contribute, desperately trying to work out how things work in this new environment.

This is the most adult I’ve had to be in my whole life, I think…

Sleepless

I am sleeping as if I was being hunted down at the moment. I’m getting very little deep sleep, and if I sleep deeply, it’s never long enough.

I track my sleep and sure enough, whenever I feel a little more rested than usual, I also see a better sleeping pattern.

Usually though, I wake up not feeling rested at all. It’s a little bit better if I give myself about an hour before going to bed of switching the phone off, reading, having a warm drink etc, but that is luxury. Usually I’m so distracted and tired during the day that I end up doing things that need doing late at night – work, cleaning up after the day, exercise etc – and then it ends up being too late to have a granny hour.

I guess it’s a cycle that needs breaking…

I really miss waking up rested and ready for a new day.

Quarantine

Because my daughter and I spent considerable time in one of the highly affected regions, we are now in quarantine. I even had myself tested in the end, because I had breathing difficulties – ever so light, but noticeable.

My daughter was sent home from school as soon as this region was declared a high risk region. The boys weren’t, because they were only asked whether they had been there themselves, which they truthfully denied. But a quick email to the secretary confirmed that they would also have to stay home for the 14 day period.

I’ve been having a queer week. I’ve had little breathing pain, and shortness of breath. I’ve been trying to convey calm to the kids but also trying to help them understand the seriousness of the situation, while trying to find a doctor to get myself tested. I’ve been trying to work, and pretend that everything is fine and I am on top of my tasks working from home. I’ve also been trying to get hold of the kids’teachers so that they don’t hang around doing nothing all day, and keep up with school.

Now, school is going to be closed for the next 5 weeks anyway, and teachers are sending emails to the whole class, so everybody is in the same boat. That’s a lot easier that way. But all the same, with the ex calling this “holidays”, it will be important to make sure that the kids themselves understand that they are not on holiday, and that they have work to do. Back to homeschooling, just a very different homeschooling than it was.

My eldest is dealing with this situation really well. He’s on the phone with friends, keeping himself busy with school work and other little projects (and a lot of chatting). On Friday, he even dialled into a class and actively took part with his friend’s help. Having things to work on will do him good.

My youngest isn’t too bothered either. He’s looking forward to not going to school, he’s being a bit difficult about the work I’ve given him to do, but in general, he’s happy to be inside, play a few games, read, program (he’s picking up scratch programming), and lots of khan academy.

My daughter though, she’s lost. Maybe she’s fighting whatever I have off, too. She’s been very tired this week, but she’s also not making it easy for herself. She’s sticking to her room, on WhatsApp and YouTube, as I’ve taken off the time limit on her phone for this period so that she can stay connected with her friends. She’s texting with friends, but that’s not enough. For some reason she doesn’t get on phonecalls with them, though. She could be using the time to practice for upcoming auditions – but she isn’t. If I mention it, or mention anything she could be doing, she gets annoyed, tells me that there’s nothing she wants to do, and that she’s sad. She needs the social stimulus she gets from school, and right now, instead of making up for it, she’s just turning into a crumpled heap of misery.

Tomorrow, with her school work coming from her teachers, I’ll have to take control and give her a structure to follow. I’ve left her alone this week because her emotions are valid and I think she needs some time to come to terms with all this change – but now, she also needs help to snap out of it again, which she isn’t doing by herself. Right now, she’s definitely not in a good place, and I think structure and clear expectations will help her with that.

At least we’ll be out of strict quarantine after this week, provided my test comes back negative. Let’s hope we’re not in complete lockdown by then.

Disappointing Oneself

My daughter had an audition today. She wasn’t feeling prepared, not does she feel entirely comfortable with the piece. This audition was only for a local talent thing – nothing of any consequence.

Then why this piece? Why not a different one?

She has a series of important auditions coming up. She is auditioning for for the regions’ official youth orchestras, as well as something at school. For one of these auditions, she will have to play that difficult piece that she is not comfortable with yet, and she will have to play it well in a high pressure atmosphere.

Today, she got totally nervous just before her slot. She played badly, her fingers were sweaty, they locked and so her fingers and bow were no longer synchronised. It was a horrible experience for her, and she left the room in tears. I helped her get out as quickly and as shielded as possible, as soon as I saw what state she was in.

She stayed in this state for the drive to the next appointment and half the rehearsal we had that day. She was too sad to talk about it, and I’m glad that a bite to eat then lifted her spirits in the end.

I know exactly what kind of a feeling that is. It’s a mixture of feeling preposterous, stupid, embarrassed, helpless, disappointed and sad. If that doesn’t kill the ego, nothing will.

Auditions will take on an important role in her life, and it’s important that she learns to deal with them in a good way. Of course fear of auditions is something that affects most musicians, which also means that there are lots of strategies and exercises out there that she can try.

We’re going to start working on that in the next few weeks. With auditions looming, there’s not a moment to lose. 

As a parent, these moments are awfully difficult to navigate. I know she should have prepared the piece better, audition or no audition. For her, practice is 2 hours in which she works on stuff her teacher has told her to work on. She does it well and works diligently. But it’s also time for her to understand that her practice should be adapted to what she is trying to achieve. If there is Ann audition coming up and the piece isn’t ready, she will have to learn to make that the goal, instead of practicing by the clock and putting her instrument down as soon as her time is up. Her disappointment today might serve to make sure she prepares more responsibly. It also shows her that she’ll have to do some extra mental work to deal with these high pressure situations well – obviously, just hoping for the best is not reliable enough.

On the other hand, I just want to wrap her up in my arms and protect her from those negative feelings, but right now, that wouldn’t help her at all.

Peer Pressure

Do my kids see too much careful and thoughtful behaviour, so much that being careful and avoiding risks comes more naturally to them than testing their abilities and trying new things out?

Yesterday we were at an water park, specifically because of the slides, and specifically because my youngest is now tall enough to go in all the slides. He wasn’t last time we went, and he was extremely unhappy about that at the time.

I’m really afraid of slides and water being splashed in my face. I have no idea where this comes from, but as soon as my face gets ducked under water for any reason at all, I sink and have to get myself out of the water asap. It sounds funny, but it’s quite scary when it happens, because I lose all sense of control.

So, with this slight handicap, I’m not the best person to take to a water park, not of you’re planning to have any fun, anyway. I can go on slides, but I like to know what kind of slide it is and that nothing unexpected happens on the way down. I actually send the kids along first to scout whether it’s a mummy- safe set-up 🙈…

My youngest is a very caring person and agreed to go and do the scouting – but then didn’t, because he was “wasn’t in the mood” for slides. At a water park, that he had been talking about for the last couple of years.

In the end, I used “peer” pressure to get him down the first one. I went down the most harmless one, making the point that if I can go down it, he surely could, as he doesn’t go completely helpless if more than a slight sprinkle of water hits him the wrong way. It worked, and he went down, unwilling at first, but after that first time, he couldn’t get enough.

So now I’m wondering… With his dad and his many panic attacks about just about anything, and my thing about water, is he simply used to “being afraid”? It’s he growing up to believe that this is just part of life?

And in the other hand, is this why peer pressure is a thing we respond to? Does the inclination to follow the example of other people, people we feel a connection to, help us explore our capabilities more readily?

Peer pressure always has a negative connotation, but I’m beginning to think that there might be a real justification for it having such a significant impact.

What if peer pressure could be a good thing, if steered diligently?

Tidbits No 8

Weird angle today, but hey.

Also, I find it to be impossible to take these videos when the boys are home, so it’s not going to be quite the daily habit I was aiming for.

Tidbits No 7

Concert day for my daughter. She played well, but hadn’t realised that herself.

Her teacher was happy and told her that he’s happy to see her denounce, how relaxed she’s getting, how free she was playing, and that it was fun to listen to her.

And she just have him a sideways look and said “you’re being ironic, aren’t you…”

A year or so ago, she was too shy to talk to him properly. She’s slowly coming out of her shell. With “young people” – including everyone up to an invisible barrier that she has yet to define, as it includes university students too who are 10 years older than her – she is totally comfortable, maybe even a bit big for her boots. With adult women it’s a case by case decision. Her music teacher for instance has given her responsibility for her section, and she feels taken seriously because of that and had eye level conversations with her. With others she’s ok but mostly quiet.

With adult men, she goes mute, but we’re working on it. With her faithful teacher, who put up with a mute student for many years, she’s finally making progress.

Tidbits No 5

Good, good day!

Tidbits No 3

Tired, sleepy post tonight…