Slow Grind

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’m grinding to a stop again. Work is slow, but that’s fairly normal. Family life is an uphill push, but that is also normal, particularly during grey, wet and cold February. Covid has kept Y and me isolated, with only a few brief chats in the doorway with the excuse of running an errand, but masked up and at a distance over the last 2 weeks.

I started writing this last night. Since then, Y has tested negative and we were able to spend some time together again. I’ve also had a therapy session, hunting for whatever made me feel overwhelmed and ready to creep away somewhere and hide.

We got somewhere when I started listing the things that felt like they were too heavy for me to carry on my own. My daughter and her emotional instability came up quite a few times.

She has had a hard couple of weeks. First, I misunderstood how she felt about her half term school report, which is better than it has been, but not great all the same. French remains a big problem. She was pleased with herself, but I misunderstood her, because of a typo and because I was doing three things at once again. For her, it seemed as if I was only seeing the weaknesses, although she’s overcome so many of her previous difficulties. Although the misunderstanding was quickly resolved, she had still been hurt and it left a bit of a dent.

Then she had her first therapy session. It was hard for her, although the session centered around gathering the facts – where she lives, who her siblings are, parents, grandparents, school history, interests and talents, etc. Just being reminded that she is struggling with certain things left her utterly exhausted for the rest of the day and beyond.

Her reaction and the fact that such a small issue had thrown her off track so forcefully put me into a kind of hyper alert state, trying to read her every move and be there for her if I could at all be of any help, tracking her energy levels and moods and trying to be wherever she might fall before she falls.

I had already noticed that she mirrors me. If I’m having a bad phase, it rubs off on her and pulls her down. Apparently, it works the other way around too. I mirror her as well, and maybe that is why everything started feeling too heavy for me.

My therapist had something helpful to say about the whole thing. Of course there are deeper layers to this, but he said that first of all, what I can help with is calm. And to help her calm down, I have to calm myself, or even better, stay calm right from the beginning.

So next time I’m going to try and put extra focus on being calm myself. I don’t usually struggle with being calm. In fact, I’m so used to people admiring my calmness and feeling calmed by me doing absolutely nothing apart from being me, that I don’t always notice when I’m not calm – especially if I become unsettled little by little.

I hope that just knowing that it is a good idea to seek calm whenever I’m confronted with something that could be unsettling will help us both, my daughter and me. If there’s one thing I’m really afraid of, it’s spiralling out of control myself when the kids need me. Being ready, knowing what to do to prevent that from happening and maybe even removing that fear altogether will be a huge relief.

New Job, New Me

Literally. I’m being a different person than I was in my old job.

In my old job, my work was very much appreciated, but I had a defined play field. I was also never considered a leader figure, although I led quite a bit. But I lead gently… I’m not noisy about it.

With my new job, I’m entering the company as a leader. I’m expected to visibly lead, not the gentle, quite coaxing type of leading I’m used to. ‘We’re looking for your guidance here’, or ‘Please change whatever you like ; meetings, processes, structures – anything’ or the scariest of all – ‘your experience will really help us with this’

I don’t feel experienced, nor ready to guide a product I know very little about, built by a team I hardly know the names of. I’m seeing things that could be improved, but I don’t feel comfortable changing things without understanding why things are the way they are.

So I’m making an effort to be bold, believe in myself, and overcome my habit of moving slowly to begin with, observing more than I contribute, desperately trying to work out how things work in this new environment.

This is the most adult I’ve had to be in my whole life, I think…

Good Stuff

I’ve been offered a fantastic new job, in a new company. The conditions are the stuff of dreams, and they really want me on board. I feel they are a wonderful fit for me, and they seem to think that too.

At the beginning of the week I told my direct manager about it. The conversation was an awkward breakup conversation, and ended with him saying that he would see what he could do to convince me to stay.

I haven’t got the final contract yet, but I should have it in a few days. I told my manager that I hadn’t signed yet, but that my mind was pretty much made up, because the offer is far too good to walk away from.

Today was the day he was going to get back to me with a “retention” offer. He had also got his manager involved, who knows the space the new company operates in, to give an honest opinion of what I was getting myself into.

I trust these two guys. They are honest people who sometimes hide their intentions in the interest of their professional role, but they both have a good soul. So I was getting really nervous. What if he knew about something I hadn’t spotted? What if he had insider knowledge that showed that the new company want all it seemed? I would have to go back to the drawing board, and decide whether I was still going to leave under the assumption of a definite risk.

However, he was sad to report that he had only heard good things about the new company. The retention offer was nothing really, just a personal promise that if I stayed, I would have their support to be promoted to product director at some point in the next few years.

So now, my mind is set. After 9 years, I’ll be starting a new job, and I’ll start it as a senior member of the new company. No more little me. It’s Miss Bigboots now. Miss Bigboots will feel every mistake she makes, but she’ll also feel everything she does right. Miss Bigboots is going to be able to stretch her wings and fly, in a role that she’s already proven to be good at.

I’ve already started work wrapping up. When I’m gone, I want things to have my name on them – in a good way. Not like the tech director I like to cite as am example of how not to do things, because he was an incompetent prick with a way of not only not getting things right, but making decisions so bad that 4 years later, they can still be felt. I want to leave the opposite of that behind, and to do that, I have to tie up a lot of loose ends mighty quick.

I’m really excited about the change. It feels a little like moving into my first own home. Now, I’ll be on control of things. I’ll be able to develop my very own style and grow up. The kids are sharing my excitement, because they understand that this is a big step – even if they don’t quite get the details. Y is proud to burst – he makes me feel very special, especially when he dives into my excitement with me. He makes every accomplishment feel more valuable, just by sharing the happiness I’m feeling and getting genuinely excited on my behalf.

I truly feel blessed all around.

“Selfless” Support

Y is going through some tough stuff at the moment, which keeps him busy, stressed, and worried all the time. There is a finish line to look forward to, and I’m glad it’s not too far off.

Naturally, we’re not seeing much of each other, and not talking as much as usual. And because I care, and I’m a giver and carer by nature, I’m taking myself back, occasionally dropping by to deliver care packages, healthy food and words of encouragement, but not expecting anything in return.

I know though from experience that my needs silently build up, and that when we cross that finish line, they will be there, and patience and giving energy will be gone.

The beautiful thing is that even during this time, Y is making an effort to make sure I’m ok. He’d rather hear about my day and my ups and downs than complain about his lot. When I drop by, he always takes time to connect, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Usually, I cut it short, because I know that he has work to do. He keeps me informed on how things are going his end, but doesn’t need me to make him feel better.

Last time I told him I would bring a quiche over, he said you really don’t have to though. – I know… Isn’t that marvelous? I said. I know that he doesn’t need me. It’s such a liberating feeling. At the same time, I can see how he’s making the little things count, and making them happen as much as I am. I think I’m not feeling as depleted as I would usually, supporting somebody through weeks/months of their time and attention being elsewhere.

What a ride this is!

Slowing Down

Isn’t the beginning of winter odd? The world slows down, and so do we inwardly, as the days get shorter, greyer and colder.

Only we can’t allow ourselves to slow down, really. I feel the lure and pull of a slower pace, with more focus on the home, on family, and on rest. But the world demands things to be done by the end of the year, targets to be reached, and reports to be written. There is a frenzy of meetings, training sessions, school meetings, medical appointments, exams, and town halls. At the same time, we’re stuck at home again, so the frenzy from outside invades every corner that should be turning to peace.

And so, I already know that those quiet home making activities I long for will feel like they’re part of the frenzy, part of the race towards the end of the year. I’ll still do them. The kids and I would be very disappointed if winter came without mince pies, lebkuchen and a sprinkling of Christmas decorations around a cleaned up home.

One day, the world will race but I won’t join in. I’m looking forward to that.

Rolling Out of another Year

This year has certainly been – different. We moved house, the kids are all going to school, Y and I are still a thing (I can’t help being amazed at the same time as being happy!), Corona came and changed how we do things, long distance happened, D and I are in irregular but distantly friendly contact, I have actual responsibility in my now full-time job, I’m going to be working from home for the foreseeable future, I’m learning a new language, and for once, I actually feel excited about my birthday. I think the last time that happened was when I turned 17.

Some things haven’t changed though: I still turn to yoga for stability, calm and basic body care, my kids still think I’m weird (in a good and amusing way), I’m running to feel strong and capable (again), and I still start projects light-heartedly that then scare me as soon as I’ve irrevocably started and make me look rather badass, when actually I’m just wondering how I could be so silly as to think I could do it myself, again.

Case in point: I recently ripped out a brick wall and dry wall and then redid the somewhat raw wall I found underneath, and also changed the plumbing and the electric stuff that was just loosely hanging between the real wall and the dry wall.

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I didn’t put all those cabinets in – the guys delivering them did that. I’m proud of my work on that wall, but I’m also doubting my sanity.

Let’s see what this next year brings. I haven’t thought about goals or anything like that – a healthy sleeping pattern would be a sensible goal (she wrote at 1am…), but for now I think I’ll just enjoy feeling excited and loved up, and get myself to bed for another far too short night of sleep.

Reset

What do I want? Am I where I want to be? Am I the person I want to be? Am I really and truly happy?

Sometimes life can be too full to ask those questions. Sometimes the answers are too messy to be looked straight in the eye. Sometimes they are too painful to confront.

My answer is a painful no at the moment.

What do I want? I want stability, a partner, I want to know that I am not alone with decisions and responsibilities (although for some I will always be alone of course). Do I have any of that? No.

Am I where I want to be? I want to be able to stop worrying about financials. I want to be available as a parent without overdoing it. I want to be a partner to a capable adult human being and know that person is also my partner. I want to feel that I have enough time and energy to do my job well. I don’t. I’m so used to making up for the gaps in parenting on t’s side that I forget that the kids are old enough to take on more responsibility than I am expecting from them. I feel alone with every decision -although I have people to talk about decisions with, nobody will be “in it with me”. There is nobody who wants me to be in it with them, either. My energy is lacking, although I’m doing my best to eat well, and take care of myself.

Am I the person I want to be? I feel I should be a stronger parent, and have stronger boundaries for how others treat me. I am letting myself be pushed to one side, and it makes me furious at myself. I’m exhausted from the noise in my head. I’m taking steps – I’m back running, and doing yoga. I’m trying to improve my sleeping patterns. I’m speaking up when I feel hurt, not accusingly, but just to explain why I feel hurt.

Am I really and truly happy? No. I’ve let the pandemic situation roll me over. I’ve spent so much time indoors, alone, because I was frightened. I let myself become enclosed, and I let the noise in my head take over. I’ve let my expectations take over, and although they were not unfounded, I have led myself into a disappointing situation in which my desires are being met, but my needs are not.

Time to reset those standards. Time to find that pool of inner strength and independence again, and to walk with certitude. With all the practise, I should be getting good at this soon.

The Power of Past Experiences

Sometimes, I write a message to Y and it doesn’t get through for a couple of hours. The simple reason is that he’s not got reception. I don’t mind him not being available 24/7 in the least. I’m not either.

All the same, every time it happens, I get nervous and stressed.

What if I said something that hurt him, without noticing, and now he’s disappeared? What if the same thing is happening, as it happened just a few years ago?

I learned back then that the first disappearance was the end of all things I had hoped for. After that, it was just a continuous back and forth of disappearing and reappearing. This blog is a result of the turmoil that I was thrown into. In hindsight, I know that there was nothing to hope for after that first time.

Even though I know that Y and I talk things out, that he is a gentle person and that he is reliable and trustworthy, the experience of those sudden disappearances is deeply etched into my soul. Before that happened, I would never have dreamed of somebody simply disappearing from an active conversation, and blocking all possibilities for communication out.

It came so suddenly and without warning, and because of that, it shook me greatly. Because of that, I am now fearing it from Y, whom I trust completely.

It’s odd, recognising the mechanism that makes me feel unsettled whenever a message doesn’t get through, but not being able to do anything about it.

Time and patience is the answer of course. Time and patience has taught me that Y is trustworthy and stable. Time will also teach me that he and most other people don’t simply disappear as soon as a minor problem arises.

A Play Thing

“Your body is like an adventure playground for me”

“You’re like a toy I long to have, but cannot reach”

“You’re my bestest toy shop”

“You’re my favourite play thing”

Three men, all expressing the same kind of idea.

It makes me uncomfortable when Y says something like this, because I am instantly reminded of the other two who also said things like this. One of them was t, and him saying that is definitely not one of my favourite memories.

But it’s also not something I want to bring up. I get the idea, and I share the fun of the moment, and I know and feel that it is said without an ounce of controlling or objectification. Thank goodness Y saying this has nothing to do with t saying it nearly 20 years ago, and I would much prefer to work on disassociating the memory from a similar sentence from Y, than to ask him to avoid certain words.

Funny though, how I keep hearing this. It’s like a connection between them that they know nothing of. For my own sanity, it’s up to me to cut the connection and stop the unwanted memories from popping up, and to focus on the present moment instead.

Being able to remember is clearly an important skill – as long as they don’t mess up the present moment.

Birthdays

Some dates stick for a very long time, and some not at all. My mind works that way. I can hardly remember my youngest’s birthdate – I always think it’s a day earlier than he was actually born (and he might well have been born then, had it not been for an argument with t because he “wasn’t ready”) – but the boyfriend of my teenage years? Infallible.

D’s birthday is also one that has stuck, and it was today. His birthday was always a day on which the lies were particularly thick, as he chose to spend them with his girlfriend while telling me some tall story about why spending it with me was not possible. How blind I was. How naïve.

I’m happy that now, I can send a little birthday wish without giving it too much thought. It’s just a birthday wish to somebody who’s birthday is stuck in my memory. The only thing that is different is that I don’t ask about special birthday plans, because I wouldn’t believe the answer anyway.