Just A Normal Day

One long covid patient to take care of: hot water bottles to alleviate the stomach cramps, herbal tea, healthy food, tablets, a bit of movement (but not too much), a bit of singing (because singing is a great way for kids to gain strength without exhausting themselves)

One typical teenager with social anxiety to tread softly around – I managed to upset her by steering a dinner conversation away from two kids stabbing each other over a discussion of whether a comment was racist or not.

One classical piece to analyse for a school performance the next day

One first heartbreak to assist with, initially packaged up as a minor panic attack

One couple evening cancelled at the last moment, that I had really been looking forward to as a break from all this crazy

One UTI to help deal with

Oh yeah, and that full-time job I’ve got of course…

There are some positive outcomes though too. Henceforth, Saturdays are going to be reserved for couple time. The touchy teenager didn’t stay upset but was happily working on the analysis with me later that day. Plus she summoned up the courage to go to school and deliver her performance, even with the UTI bothering her. The long covid patient wants to go back to school tomorrow. The heartbreak looks much more manageable after a good night’s sleep, plus he learned that talking about painful things and having a cry, getting sonebody else’s perspective on problems is a good thing and helps with the pain and sense of feeling overwhelmed.

Through the chaos

Life is worrying at the moment, and feels very unpredictable. It seems like anything could happen; there is a general sense of unease in the air, even though right now, nothing is very different than usual for us. (I might write some more about that – but not tonight.)

So through the dim chaos, the background noise of worrying and all the gut-wrenchingly bad news every day, little islands of shared normality and peacefulness seem like luxury.

I’ve had an especially luxurious day today : a visit to the garden center in the afternoon with Y (just a few herbs for the balcony, I restrained myself quite successfully from Buying Every Pretty Plant).

In the evening my daughter and I cooked up some delicious ramen (we may have gone a little overboard with the chicken… This is what happens when people who never cook meat decide to cook meat for once…). I really like cooking with the kids when I have the time to relax, plus it relieves me to know that they will be able to feed themselves once they grow up and decide to leave home.

New Job, New Me

Literally. I’m being a different person than I was in my old job.

In my old job, my work was very much appreciated, but I had a defined play field. I was also never considered a leader figure, although I led quite a bit. But I lead gently… I’m not noisy about it.

With my new job, I’m entering the company as a leader. I’m expected to visibly lead, not the gentle, quite coaxing type of leading I’m used to. ‘We’re looking for your guidance here’, or ‘Please change whatever you like ; meetings, processes, structures – anything’ or the scariest of all – ‘your experience will really help us with this’

I don’t feel experienced, nor ready to guide a product I know very little about, built by a team I hardly know the names of. I’m seeing things that could be improved, but I don’t feel comfortable changing things without understanding why things are the way they are.

So I’m making an effort to be bold, believe in myself, and overcome my habit of moving slowly to begin with, observing more than I contribute, desperately trying to work out how things work in this new environment.

This is the most adult I’ve had to be in my whole life, I think…

Taking things easy

Proud of Myself

A few weeks ago, a headhunter wrote me a well researched and friendly message on LinkedIn, which is a rare occurrence. This lady had obviously read my profile (!), understood details of my experience (no!) and matched it with her requirements very well (unbelievable!).

…just for reference – usually, these messages refer to some knowledge I had 10 years ago, at a totally wrong level of expertise, and asking for a profile that is miles away from anything my profile suggests I might be moderately good at. These headhunters sometimes receive rude answers from me, if I can be arsed.

Anyway, now I’m in the middle of the interview process, and I’m feeling so empowered and proud of where I have got to professionally. I don’t need this job. They need somebody like me to fill it though, and I am bringing so much to the table.

All those years of struggling to make myself heard and of asserting myself and my ideas were not for nothing, because now I actually know what I’m talking about. I’m confident, I know what works and what doesn’t, and I know what I’m good at, and what I need support with.

I’m not striving to paint a glittering picture of myself, because if they don’t want me, I don’t need them anyway. I’m being totally honest and transparent, and they’re liking what they’re seeing (… mostly hearing) a lot.

It’s an amazing experience because I’m not trying to sell myself. It’s the ultimate confidence boost and changes the nature of the conversations completely.

It also changes how I position myself at my current workplace. I can compare myself to colleagues of course, but then, everyone who knows details about a product you don’t know so much about sounds like a wizard, especially if they use big buzzy words and play all the big company games right. It’s not the same thing, because you’re always centered around real problems, competing for people or resources, or visibility to higher management. With the knowledge that my profile is more than good enough, I’m so much more confident. I’m not the junior just-slipped-into-this-job girl. I’m good, and I know it.

I’m beginning to understand why empowered women are “dangerous” 😉

Slowing Down

Isn’t the beginning of winter odd? The world slows down, and so do we inwardly, as the days get shorter, greyer and colder.

Only we can’t allow ourselves to slow down, really. I feel the lure and pull of a slower pace, with more focus on the home, on family, and on rest. But the world demands things to be done by the end of the year, targets to be reached, and reports to be written. There is a frenzy of meetings, training sessions, school meetings, medical appointments, exams, and town halls. At the same time, we’re stuck at home again, so the frenzy from outside invades every corner that should be turning to peace.

And so, I already know that those quiet home making activities I long for will feel like they’re part of the frenzy, part of the race towards the end of the year. I’ll still do them. The kids and I would be very disappointed if winter came without mince pies, lebkuchen and a sprinkling of Christmas decorations around a cleaned up home.

One day, the world will race but I won’t join in. I’m looking forward to that.

Troubled Mind

My favourite mind is troubled with nightmares, almost every night. Not me – I usually work through things in broad daylight. But I’m experiencing them, or hearing about them regularly.

I have an inkling of what’s going on, after reading a bit about dreams and the meaning of certain themes, and connecting the dots. It’s all connected to change, changing relationships and letting go.

I’d love to offer support, but I guess I might be the wrong person, as I might well be the one triggering the earthquakes in this sensitive soul.

So all I do is reach over and try to be a reassuring human presence in the middle of the invisible nightmare, and being an anchor of calm in the passing storm.

I hope they stop soon.

Subtle Changes

Until now, Y have been seeing each other about twice a week, on average. More while I still had kid free weeks, less when he’s been tied down with work.

This week, it’s changed to every day. He stays out of my family life, which is actually good for the kids as they won’t feel threatened by him being here more. They shouldn’t feel any difference, and I don’t want them to feel like he’s invading family life. We’ve always tried to leave them out of it, as much as that is possible and prudent. They shouldn’t have to be involved in how we evolve in our relationship. On the other hand, they know they can always ask, and they’ll get an honest answer.

I feel a difference this week though, and I like it.

I know that this has everything to do with “our little talk” a couple of weeks ago. The one when I told him that I’m in this properly, and that I’m ready to go from girlfriend boyfriend to partner. He’s trying himself (or us) out, in a way. The German “light lockdown” provides the perfect opportunity for that.

I really enjoy waking up together, and starting the day’s work with a sense of togetherness. Him being around also helps me go to bed at a reasonable time and get enough sleep. I then get up first thing in the morning, pack lunchboxes and get the kids up, and once they’re out of the house, I snuggle for a bit longer before the day actually starts.

I love the normality of it all.

Rolling Out of another Year

This year has certainly been – different. We moved house, the kids are all going to school, Y and I are still a thing (I can’t help being amazed at the same time as being happy!), Corona came and changed how we do things, long distance happened, D and I are in irregular but distantly friendly contact, I have actual responsibility in my now full-time job, I’m going to be working from home for the foreseeable future, I’m learning a new language, and for once, I actually feel excited about my birthday. I think the last time that happened was when I turned 17.

Some things haven’t changed though: I still turn to yoga for stability, calm and basic body care, my kids still think I’m weird (in a good and amusing way), I’m running to feel strong and capable (again), and I still start projects light-heartedly that then scare me as soon as I’ve irrevocably started and make me look rather badass, when actually I’m just wondering how I could be so silly as to think I could do it myself, again.

Case in point: I recently ripped out a brick wall and dry wall and then redid the somewhat raw wall I found underneath, and also changed the plumbing and the electric stuff that was just loosely hanging between the real wall and the dry wall.

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I didn’t put all those cabinets in – the guys delivering them did that. I’m proud of my work on that wall, but I’m also doubting my sanity.

Let’s see what this next year brings. I haven’t thought about goals or anything like that – a healthy sleeping pattern would be a sensible goal (she wrote at 1am…), but for now I think I’ll just enjoy feeling excited and loved up, and get myself to bed for another far too short night of sleep.

Catching Up

I’m still amazed at how drama free Y and I are together, and have been through these last six months of being apart. I mentioned that to him, and, quite typically, he thought it was amusing that I would even find it worth mentioning. Why would I think about how it would be if we were different than we are? Because how else should we be, but drama free, considering that we are both levelheaded, and not attracted to drama in the first place?

Catching up felt as if there was no need to catch up. The feeling of missing each other was gone instantly, as if the last six months had not been real time, but had just that second shrunk into insignificance. Catching up felt like everything was just right again after a stormy night.

The main difference for me is a deep feeling of being deeply content. I had missed that.

I say all this was easy and free of drama – but I really don’t want to have to do it again.