Once more, my emotional self is thoroughly lost. I feel I should have an idea of how this life and people thing works by now, but apparently I don’t. Maybe life took me a bit too seriously when I said that I believe in taking chances that might end up in hurt. Maybe I’m being taught a lesson about looking after my heart better, and not letting myself be so vulnerable all the time.
Time will tell I suppose, what all this is about, and what I was supposed to learn.
I really don’t get the obstinate silence after wanting to be in touch more. I don’t get the zero effort to get in touch. I don’t get the unavailability as soon as it is in connection with talking properly.
And I don’t get where my faith is coming from that this is just circumstances and not intended the way it seems to the logical mind.
My car is broken, I had a pretty scary drive home today, because the electrics kept giving up on me. The steering wheel was juttering, with the power steering going inactive every few seconds, the ABS and EPS warning lamps kept flaring up and beeping, the electric handbrake wouldn’t loosen, so I was stuck for a few minutes half in half out of my drive until the electronics came on again for a second. The window will just have to stay open over night, as it wouldn’t close.
Of course I was too late out of the office to take it straight to a garage. So this will be a new adventure for tomorrow. I still haven’t finally decided which garage to take it to. Shortest drive + impossibly long train ride to the office (or 30 km bike ride…) or longer drive + easily cyclable journey to the office?
On another note, I will be starting my volunteering project in a month (!) already. I have quite a few yoga sessions planned out already, though I am definitely lacking some words which I still have to learn, like “icebreaker”, “pidgeon” and “dodo”. Other than that, I have one source of old newspapers for papier mâché. (If anybody in Bucharest would like to collect old newspapers for me for a month or has a good idea of where I could ask, I would be very grateful! So far, I am asking at hotels…) I also have a flight booked, but that’s about it. I guess I should probably be doing some more organising instead of publicly feeling sorry for myself on the internet.
I’m really excited about the whole idea of this volunteering project, in a very good way. I have little idea about what exactly to expect, but I feel sure I will be able to do something useful and fun while learning all the time myself of course. Definitely better than rotting away in the office! Maybe it will even be the start of a new path leading goodness-knows where – wouldn’t that be exciting and liberating!
I wish I knew where things were leading to in general though.
I’m glad I don’t have uncertainties like this when it comes to the kids. At least I know what I’m doing where they are concerned.
I will be planning for IGCSEs for the eldest after summer, who has also mentioned that he would like to try school for a year or so in a few years. And if he goes to school, my guess is that the other two will want to go too – provided he likes it of course.
After my yoga practice, I have made a habit of picking two or more things that I am grateful for each day. The children feature in this exercise of mine nearly every day.
Which is a nice, positive note to finish off such an erratic and confused post.