Confused

I’m thoroughly confused, and the confused thoughts and feelings are playing tag in my head. I should really just turn my attention to something else while they sort it out by themselves, or until the question marks become insights. But then – I’m not very good at that.

We were in touch again. Not as close as I like and I know we would be without the distance, but not out of touch like it has been.

But now, there is this chronic unavailability again. But only on the one hand. This did not stop a conversation going towards very specific adult desires, prompted by a simple selfie. Just like a few weeks ago.

But you must understand. I can’t. I can’t go back to that without being in touch emotionally, and without knowing that I am more than mere fun. If this was a fun only arrangement, it would be fine. But it never was and never will be.

And then the game of tag starts. What if… what if he thinks I have turned prude? What if this will support his assumption that I don’t trust him enough? What if this is what he needs to get back into touch again? I could try it out and see what happens. But then I might end up feeling even shittier. Risking being hurt is one thing, something I think is always worth the risk, but risking feeling abused is quite another matter.

I want to share this kind of fun again. I long for it. But I can’t risk feeling used in the end. And I would feel used, if it was only fun on his side, because of my feelings. And because I never want to feel used by him, I can’t go back to having that kind of adult fun without feeling emotionally safe.

Funny how I wouldn’t have these thoughts and worries about the whole thing if it was anybody else. And however easy it would be to get some (real) fun and maybe some (real) friendly cuddles and emotional support from time to time from somebody else, I just don’t want it. I know exactly where I want to be and what I want, and anything else would make me unhappy and I would be running away in no time.

Meanwhile, I so hope that we will see each other in a months time. I fear we wont. I fear he will be unavailable again, or that somebody else will take priority again, like his brother and work did last year. I fear that all the little ideas and enthusiasm have disappeared again over this last period of unavailability. I fear that the negativity has taken over again, and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

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