Journal Update #13

Things are quiet, yet moving here.

First of all the kids – they are developing fast at the moment. The eldest is hitting puberty – a completely new experience for me, I’ve never experienced a boy in early puberty close up before. I like it, but he could really make better friends with the shower.

My second, the musician, finally seems to be picking up on her practice routine. I have been pushing her to try to achieve her best on the violin because I am certain that she would not be happy working in any other domain. She is very talented but until now has lacked the drive to do her best – instead she has been relying on her talent. But now, something seems to be changing. Maybe she feels more capable. Maybe she is seeing herself in a wider context. Maybe it’s only a phase and we will be back to the old ways next week. I will see soon enough.

The youngest has started football and identifies strongly with the local football team. It’s as if he’s found his people. He gets the team thing, loves the sport, wants to improve himself so that the team will improve etc. He is the first person in the family to be into team sports. Neither I nor Mr Ex did anything like that, neither did my siblings. My father may have played a bit of football but he never talked about being enthusiastic about it. So this is also new!

I also took my youngest with me to a rubbish  orchestra I am helping out in, with his cello. I have taught him the cello part of the pachelbel Kanon (also called cellists’ nightmare), consisting of 8 notes over and over and over again. He missed the beginning of the piece, then realised he couldn’t keep up with the rest of the orchestra and dropped out after trying very hard for a few bars. He was devastated, sobbing, hiding his face, so unhappy. I was playing next to him and couldn’t have stopped – so there was really nothing I could do. But I was silently hoping that he would still want to play the cello after this experience… I wasn’t sure he would.

But

He calmed himself down

Wiped his eyes

Gritted his teeth (maybe, I’m adding this to illustrate his determination)

And tried again.

This time it worked, he could keep up and by the end of the piece he was playing with  a huge grin on his face, so happy to have succeeded.

I was so proud of him. Not because he played the piece, but because of how brave he was to try something again that he had just failed miserably at, in his own perception. I feel more and more that this boy is going places…

Mr D is being…. quiet. I miss him tremendously. He has started conversations a few times in the past weeks, and he has always answered when I sent something. But I have made up my mind to stick to what I told him a few months ago – that I would be leaving him alone as long as he is being quiet.

I say I miss him – which is true – but on the other hand, missing him is not making me unhappy. The latest activity that is making me particularly happy is running. I have never run regularly (or irregularly), so this is quite something. I’m following a training plan and so far it’s working. The kids come with me sometimes on their bikes or rollerblades, and sometimes I go with one of my neighbors. Every run leaves me feeling good physically as well as mentally, and I can feel and see my body benefiting from the exercise. I feel this is a perfect addition to my life.

I don’t even mind the wet grey weather at the moment!

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