Journal Update #12

What a couple of days.

I set up some travel plans, related to an awesome job interview which is not a job interview and related to love. So now I have the dates, I have a place to stay for the first part of this adventure, and I’m going through all the different possible scenarios for the second part of it. You see, my brain doesn’t rest unless I force it to by doing something that requires it to focus, like yoga. If I am not doing yoga or something similar, my brain  is usually busy remembering all sorts of useless stuff or thinking possible and impossible things through.

So naturally, I was feeling happy about having the dates in place as well as having the correct days off work. I was also feeling extremely jumpy about the whole idea.

There was also a big client meeting last week, for which I had to get up at 4 o’clock in the morning because I opted for doing all the traveling in one day. The meeting was going to be critical – another reason for my brain to prepare for all sorts of scenarios. In the end, the meeting went very well and there was no reason to worry at all. Only of course I was very tired that day.

By chance, I was talking to one of my language partners. The conversation was too much fun as to end and go to bed, so I stayed up late again – late enough to receive that initial message from Mr D. This turned into the kind of conversation I have missing for such a long time. It was emotional, it was open, it was close, we went from writing to talking.I had missed hearing his voice so much!

We spent that time catching up a little, laughing together and feeling together, making plans and so much more. I didn’t feel the need to go into my feelings over the last few months – this will be a different conversation in the not too distant future. He has been in contact since this conversation as well, which feels good. All my jumpiness concerning that adventure I am planning has disappeared – but it seems that I might have to reschedule the love part of it, as he has a tightly packed travel schedule for the next few weeks!  I will get the details though – we’ll see whether my plans will still work out. If not, there will be other plans.

So – I am feeling calm again, and excited at the same time. I don’t think I am being blindly optimistic though. There is space in my thoughts to accept that Mr D is extremely good at messing up and perhaps won’t understand my worries, or won’t be able to take any notice of them. I have that in the back of my mind, and will be making sure that I am aware of my needs and won’t let them be ignored like they have been.

Even if at the moment, all I am feeling is relief and love.

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