Anxiety

The internet doesn’t always make things easier. Just now, there is this post. A picture of a woman’s pretty sexy shoes and her cute little hat, on the floor. Tagged ‘aboutlastnight’. My heart is freaking out, my breath is all over the place, and I’m desperately trying to calm myself. Why can’t he just simply say yes or no? Da sau ba… it’s really not that difficult. Why can’t I take nothing for a definite no instead? Why does he have to post stuff like that, when he knows that I need clarity from him and that I am only leaving him alone about it because he has asked me to do so? Because he promised he would be back? What the hell do you think I’m made of, Mr D?

A long time ago, he said that he had a constant underlying feeling of anxiety concerning me and us, because he was sure that something would happen that would take me away from him. He compared it to a kid staring at some fantastic toy on the shelves for ages. Then, finally, somebody gets it down and, seeing his eager face, hands it to him. Only to take it away again after 5 mins to give it to the rich man who is actually going to buy it for his kid.

I swear, 5 seconds before seeing this bloody post of his I was fine. I was doing my stuff, and being happy. Now I’m struggling again. I want to ask him what it is about, but I am leaving him alone, I said I would. I want my bracelet back from him if he is taking other women’s clothes off. And I want him to look me in the eye (or at least pick up the phone) and tell me where he is emotionally. Because he is definitely not in the same place anymore than he was a few months ago.

Alternatively I see myself getting over there and going to see for myself. You know, ring the doorbell, say hi and see what happens. I should probably do that whenever I have the chance, which will be within the next two months. If I’m going to make a fool of myself, I might as well do it properly.

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3 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. i shouldn’t have said that. i know how hard it is to fight against feelings. go with your heart. sometimes it is better making a fool out of yourself than having not loved to the full extent. or just dump him 🙂 i think you are dealing great with this situation – but what a hardship it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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