Back Again and Looking Ahead

I’m back again from 2.5 weeks of sunshine, heat, no pressure and mostly kid problems to deal with (aka “keep three yards between each other if you can’t stop fighting”). I have had a lot of time to think about things, probe my feelings and let things settle, which is just what I needed. And did I mention the sunshine? I need to move somewhere where sunshine is normal. That is one of the major insights of the past few weeks.

As for lovey dovey things, all has come to a rest. I wrote a letter to Mr D for his birthday, wishing him all the best and letting him know that I think of him always. I also wrote that I would be leaving him alone in future – but that this does not mean that I am forgetting him. I am simply trying to avoid with repeated rejection, which I find very hard to deal with. I also mentioned that I do want a heart to heart, because where the situation may be completely clear for him, it is not for me, and I would like to hear what his position is. Last but not least, I stuck in a lucky clover I had found on a mountain side and pressed on the way – as a way of sending positive vibes across the continent. It was well received, as was the post card my youngest son wrote to him – my youngest has fallen for this man nearly as much as I have. He adores him, even though they have only been on the phone once.

I got a message, thanking me for the letter, the card and the lucky clover – otherwise nothing. Otherwise nothing, and I haven’t been in touch either. I have made up my mind to concentrate on myself, and replacing the feeling of constant waiting with activity for myself. I am continuing to learn his language – I felt very much at home in his country and want to make sure that the next time I go there, I can actually express myself. Because I will go there again, with of without him. I am pretty sure about that. I will be investing more time in music again, and certainly working on my daily routine. I am late at the moment – I go to bed late and get up late, which doesn’t leave me a very happy person. I also have some professional goals in mind which I’ll be going after.

So – I am looking ahead and directing my energy towards being happy by myself. I should be fairly good at that, I have had quite a bit of practice. And quite honestly – I would much rather be with a person who is happy by themselves than somebody who droops without me.

In other words, I am getting back to being the kind of person I would fall in love with.

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