I’m back again from 2.5 weeks of sunshine, heat, no pressure and mostly kid problems to deal with (aka “keep three yards between each other if you can’t stop fighting”). I have had a lot of time to think about things, probe my feelings and let things settle, which is just what I needed. And did I mention the sunshine? I need to move somewhere where sunshine is normal. That is one of the major insights of the past few weeks.
As for lovey dovey things, all has come to a rest. I wrote a letter to Mr D for his birthday, wishing him all the best and letting him know that I think of him always. I also wrote that I would be leaving him alone in future – but that this does not mean that I am forgetting him. I am simply trying to avoid with repeated rejection, which I find very hard to deal with. I also mentioned that I do want a heart to heart, because where the situation may be completely clear for him, it is not for me, and I would like to hear what his position is. Last but not least, I stuck in a lucky clover I had found on a mountain side and pressed on the way – as a way of sending positive vibes across the continent. It was well received, as was the post card my youngest son wrote to him – my youngest has fallen for this man nearly as much as I have. He adores him, even though they have only been on the phone once.
I got a message, thanking me for the letter, the card and the lucky clover – otherwise nothing. Otherwise nothing, and I haven’t been in touch either. I have made up my mind to concentrate on myself, and replacing the feeling of constant waiting with activity for myself. I am continuing to learn his language – I felt very much at home in his country and want to make sure that the next time I go there, I can actually express myself. Because I will go there again, with of without him. I am pretty sure about that. I will be investing more time in music again, and certainly working on my daily routine. I am late at the moment – I go to bed late and get up late, which doesn’t leave me a very happy person. I also have some professional goals in mind which I’ll be going after.
So – I am looking ahead and directing my energy towards being happy by myself. I should be fairly good at that, I have had quite a bit of practice. And quite honestly – I would much rather be with a person who is happy by themselves than somebody who droops without me.
In other words, I am getting back to being the kind of person I would fall in love with.