Journal Update #9

Clear words – that is what I have been about this week. I have had all sorts of things to finish off before we leave for a holiday next week, as well as do my regular job, as well as make sure the kids are getting the education they need. I have been falling over my own feet trying to do it all.

In all this craziness, I have also learned that Mr D is dealing with a few problems. A lost driving license for instance, and the accompanying speeding fine. Other things too, probably. It explains to an extent why he has been finding it hard to contact me, seen in combination with his cultural heritage, in which the man always has to be a rock in any situation. I can only imagine what kind of words he has been getting from the mother of his child, his mother and his work place. That can’t have been easy.

Still – there are a few points that I cannot understand.

For one, he is planning to visit his brother (which is fine of course!) and he has basically cancelled my stay with him because of this (which is not at all fine). Seen in the view of his difficulties at the moment, I can guess the motivation, but I am not fine with it. We are adults after all. If driving is essential when I am around, I also have a license. And driving is not essential anyway. Setting up an alternative while he is with his brother (which  is much closer to me) would also be fine, but I haven’t heard anything so far.

Another thing is that he has YET AGAIN let me know he would be available for a chat and then just not been available at all. This is after I have very clearly said that I would prefer a clear no to this behaviour. Even if plans changed and it was really impossible, a little note saying as much is never impossible. Nor is a two minute call for that matter. Not cool.

So, I feel it is time to be very clear (as if I haven’t been enough of that already). I have written (as I can’t make him answer the phone when I call), saying that

I am very disappointed

that I expect at least a little note if plans change

that if I was a business contact, he would be paying me more attention and basic respect than he is at the moment, and that I had imagined that I was a little bit more important than business contacts

And finally, that he will either have to tell me exactly why he is behaving this way (and I can then decide how I feel about that), or he will have to change it very quickly.

Because this is not working for me.

Of course, so far, there is nothing. No reaction. The messages are still unread.

For me, a relationship is a lot about sharing. Sharing the good times, the normal times (and perhaps making them a little bit more special), and sharing the bad times. Mr D is not a person who doesn’t show his emotions. Quite the opposite actually. This is one of the many things I like about him. I also feel comfortable showing my emotions (negative included btw) when he is around, because I feel he gives me a safe space to do so. He has told me that he feels calm, at peace and safe with me too.

So why the hell is he choosing to keep it all to himself now? Even if he was unsure of how I would react to something he is feeling vulnerable about, I should have thought that he has enough guts to tell me anyway. I mean, if I were really to react like an idiot (which I don’t think I would), he would gain a more complete picture of me, which is what a budding relationship has to be about, in addition to the butterflies and romance of course.

So. I have found the guts to tell him that the current situation isn’t working for me. That I need a definite change to feel comfortable again.

Will I find the guts to move away if he proves unable or unwilling to change anything? I don’t know. I don’t want to move away. I want this wonderful person in my life. But not like this, with all the loneliness and confusion he is causing for me.

After all, having a special relationship with somebody also means hearing their needs when they are stated, and stating one’s own needs, right? And then somehow making sure that there is space to meet the others needs, as long as their needs are compatible with one’s own resources and boundaries. Right? Or am I getting something completely wrong? Maybe I am. I wish this could just work – I’m tired of being on my own, now that I know there is somebody I really want to share my life with. I’m ready to put any amount of energy into a relationship with this person. If only he was also ready for that. If only I could feel that he really meant it when he held my hand and told me he needed me in his life.


One thought on “Journal Update #9

  1. this is so strange. i think you are acting really adult. definitely. after reading it all i wonder what makes him so special? and what makes you so strong being able to put up with all that strange behavior?


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