How to move ahead after losing a child

This is a topic one is not allowed to talk about – and it is all the more important that we write about it, as it is so very omnipresent in its many forms and so many people are affected.

Aui's Writings

1. Allow yourself to cry as much as you can, as often as you want and every time you feel like doing so.

Don’t hold back. Tears connect our shattered soul to the source of strength we never knew where. In the early days after losing a child, the emotional task is overwhelming. Scream if you want, punch bag, throw pillows. Do anything physical except when to do so would hurt someone including yourself!

2. Find ways to express your emotions.

Talk about your feelings and thoughts. Write about it. I’ve seen mothers receiving a tremendous amount of peace after connecting with the child they loss by writing to them. They were able to adjust to their new norms with grace and compassion in a relatively short period of time.

3. Continue what you are doing before you lose your child.

When impossible to do so, find new things to…

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3 thoughts on “How to move ahead after losing a child

  1. what do you think now about it. you say you are not allowed to talk about it. with whom would you want to talk about it. and why doesn’t he allow it

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    1. There is no particular person I want to talk to about this. But when asked how many kids I have, I feel I am betraying my baby and myself when I say 3, because goddammit, I had 4 kids. 4 pregnancies, 4 births, 4 babies in my arms. But if I do mention that I have 3 +1, the conversation stops immediately. There is no space for tragedies like this in our society. You need to go to special groups to talk about it, or have a heart to heart with a very good friend. There is no possibility to mention it in the same way as you mention how many living kids you have. I don’t need to tell people the whole story at all, and I don’t need anybody’s sympathy – but I do feel that it is something that belongs to me in just the same way as my other kids belong to me. All I expect is a “Oh I’m sorry”, or “I’m sorry, are you ok now?” or even nothing, just acknowledgement of the fact, instead of the awkwardness that usually happens.

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  2. i understand the point with betraying the baby and yourself. a strange situation. your conversation partner doesn’t see it coming from nowhere and the reality is so strong in you. it does not seem fair to deny the kid just in order to keep the conversation easy or leaving the other one uninvolved.

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