The event came and went – without any sight or word of Mr D.
I sent a picture of his place card. Then I got a bit tipsy with my brother and we made a silly video of my brother standing in for Mr D – he put the silliest accent on ever – and sent the video to Mr D. And then apologized for that the next day. And wrote to him, telling him that we either need to talk regularly, or he needs to tell me that he is dumping me.
Which he acknowledged – but he still hasn’t been up to actually speaking to me.
My feelings are all over the place. I’ve been crying, I’ve felt angry at being treated this way, I’m feeling I haven’t got the strength to deal with the situation, I feel stupid, frustrated, sad, alone and everything in between.
Today “he isn’t in the best mood for talking”. Nor am I, man, because I have been waiting for over a month now for you to talk to me. Since when do you have to be in a good mood to dump somebody, anyway?
Enter my bloody optimism.
Dada! Maybe he doesn’t want to dump you after all! Maybe something has happened that is very difficult for him to talk about, and that is why he has to be in a good mood to talk to you! Yeah!
Sometimes optimism is a bastard.
It doesn’t help at all. It’s a bit like my youngest explaining to me that he will build a machine that will sit at the office for me and do my work while I can be at home and will receive the salary, because it will look just like me. And then he will make another machine which will take care of the housework for me – that one will also be able to cook everybody’s favourite dinner.
Nice thought son. Now dinner is half an hour late because I listened to every word of the explanation, trying to be a good mum and encouraging the kids to be imaginative and putting their thoughts into words, as well as being a role model in listening and respecting them.
Optimism is just the same. I should be putting my energy into saying goodbye, probably. If anybody would describe the situation to me, I would tell them to walk away. Nobody deserves to be ignored by somebody who claims (or claimed) to be in love with them, without as much as a sliver of an explanation.
But here I am, with optimism holding me back, telling me that that shriveled little heap of hope which has passed out on the floor of my heart is enough reason to stay there and keep going.