Journal Update #7

Why aren’t you talking to me anymore? It’s driving me crazy. You mentioned needing time alone – but why? What is wrong? What are you working through that I am in the way of?

Don’t do this to me, please. Tell me if things are different. Don’t leave me hanging there with my love for you, not knowing whether you want it or whether it has grown into something you don’t have space for.

I scarcely know what I am doing, this is affecting me so badly.

Tell me where you are – however much you think I might not want to hear it.

You are tearing me apart with you silence. You are hurting me.

You know – actually, I am quite an emotionally independent person. I don’t need to hear from you  all the time how important I am to you , or be your princess. But this only works as long as I know that everything is ok – and part of knowing that everything is ok is knowing that you enjoy being with me, and talking to me.

I’m getting nothing from you, no negative and no positive messages. I feel I’m just hanging there, waiting for you to make your verdict. And that’s what I’m asking you for. Your verdict.

I don’t care whether you have been talking about love, marriage, kids, grandchildren – a life together.

I care about now. I want to know what is going on NOW.

I told you that I am not only the strong woman you were seeing. I am also a very sensitive person, and end up questioning myself constantly. I believe this is a good thing – although at the moment I would rather be strong and able to step away if you are showing so clearly that you do not what communication. I half wish I was strong enough to say I am going, and I am not coming back.

But you see, I can’t. I don’t want to. My heart would never be in it, because I know that I want to be with you.

And that is why I’m still hanging there – waiting to be shot down, or lifted up. This may seem a weak decision, full of dependence. But how awful would it be if I just didn’t care whether you want my love  or not? That isn’t my idea of love.

Don’t worry – if I’m shot down, I am fully capable of lifting myself up again. In that way, I can be completely independent.

So please – don’t leave me hanging there for much longer.



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