Lost and Hurting

I give in- I admit that I am lost, and I am hurting. Mr D has become as silent as a mouse – there is no interaction at all. He does still respond when I message him, but very superficially.

I want to believe what he says – that he needs some time for himself, that his feelings haven’t changed, and that he has never felt like this before and wants me in his life. But his actions don’t match.

„If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.”

That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? Whereby “being with somebody” can be done in a number of ways. If there is geographical distance, it can be phone calls, letters, effort to visit, messages etc. Like it was a few months ago.

I’m giving myself until the end of next week. There is an event that he said he would join me for. I have now asked him enough times whether he is really coming, and when he will be arriving. I’m not going to anymore, and I’m not going to write. If he comes, he needs to explain a few things. If not, it’s time to say goodbye, and to ask him to send my bracelet back and some other belongings that I have at his place.

I can’t take the heartbreak I am feeling every day anymore. It’s robbing me of all my energy and making me question and doubt myself non-stop. I wish this wasn’t happening. I wish things were as they were two months ago. I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I could read his mind just for a few minutes.

I feel so sure about him – so sure that I have found a very special person, one that fits. Somebody who is honest and open (he didn’t ever seem to be hiding anything!) and somebody who just simply wanted to be with me – without playing games or being a psycho. I don’t want to be wrong… but common sense says I am. Common sense says I have probably never been more wrong. Common sense says I am an idiot for believing in people and honesty. Common sense tells me that I should be more careful, less trusting, less open, and less emotionally honest.

Fuck common sense, says the heart.

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