Love Journal Update #2

So, what shall I say. I’m still confused. More so, perhaps, than before. The man I spoke about last time, let’s call him Mr D, is confusing me and – hopefully unintentionally – playing with my feelings.

He is a lot closer to me than usual – applying for a job that would be in driving distance for weekend visits at least. So far, so good.

Did he make sure he could come and visit me while he was here anyway?

No.

Did he, when his flight was cancelled and he was put on a flight late the following day, ever consider coming down here?

No.

He even thought it was quite amusing that I suggested he might.

Would I have done any of the above? Yes, at the drop of a hat. The only thing that prevented me from driving up was the state of my car (it needs to go to the garage, badly), and my battered health after a week of tummy bugs in the family.

Did he at least get on the phone to tell me all about his day?

No.

He said he would, but then didn’t. And I haven’t heard anything since.

Why is this happening? How can he say that he misses me, and at the same time behave the way he is behaving? Is this a test or something? Because I don’t need testing.

But it is testing me. It’s testing my endurance, my patience, and my ability to detach myself as required. To center on myself and open myself to whatever may come.

Scary. The small girl inside me is feeling abandoned.

And yet some macabre side of myself is feeling grateful for this experience. Yeah, really. Because it is forcing me to detach myself, to stay independent, and to stay me.

I was going to go for a two day hike in the hills these next two days – a kind of soul cleansing hike, just me, a sleeping bag and a mat – sleeping in some castle ruin, there are so many around I could choose my abode for the night. Too bad I’m not strong enough for that kind of thing after last week. I’ll do something else, less challenging.

Still, I’d love some insight in what is coming. Will he make an effort to be here next month, as arranged? Will he make an effort to call me some time? Will I ever learn what all this distance and non-communication is/was about? Will he just fade into yet another disappointment? Is the world right, and I should be looking for somebody who is predictable, steady (and possibly boring) instead of somebody who is exciting, inspiring and adventurous? I was in that kind of thing once – it made me feel claustrophobic. I felt I might as well just go and start digging my grave. So that can’t be right, at least not for me.

So, onto the path of emotional independence and self-love I go.

With a whip, if necessary.

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