Theory & Practice of Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love – doesn’t that sound wonderful?

This is what I associate with the term:

total trust

safety

freedom

emotional independence

space for personal development

These are things I want to have in any relationship, as I don’t want to be responsible for somebody else’s emotions, I don’t want to have to think about everything I say including the wording in case it might be unintentionally insulting in any way, I certainly don’t want to feel threatened by my partner, and I don’t want to be tied down by another person’s smaller world.

Seems pretty straight forward.

In this relationship, there is no space for jealousy, or for emotional games or bottled up feelings. If there is an issue, it is safe to talk about it, and it is also safe to choose not to find a compromise. There is also the freedom of deciding at any point in time that a certain issue is too much  for the relationship and therefore the relationship should be terminated.

And that is where things might get messy, for me, anyway.

Because if I am in love, I have the tendency to put up with things, even if they are not actually ok for me. I make excuses, tell myself that it will get better when xyz has happened, and then start blaming myself for being too sensitive and for committing emotionally too quickly, or too much. All along this process, I am actually becoming emotionally dependent, because I don’t want to give up the relationship while having an issue for which there is no resolution. Which is not ok.

A friend told me the other day “a successful relationship is all about compromises”.

I get his point – both partners are committed to finding solutions to all issues, which results in living a life of compromises.

But doesn’t that go against having personal freedom in a relationship and through the relationship? Somehow, a life of compromises doesn’t sound at all inviting.

Another friend told me that I want too much – a successful relationship works because both partners don’t have too high expectations of each other and simply get used to each other.

I get this point too – if I translate this into my terms, I would say one has to be emotionally independent enough to not require constant appreciation and confirmation from ones partner – but his logical consequence of expecting little and trusting in “getting used” to ones partner opposed to falling in love and building a relationship on that love seems very depressive to me. I wouldn’t last for longer than one month with somebody I feel I needed to “get used to”.

So, how can unconditional love ever work?

I guess it only works if both are equally committed, equally trusting, and equally strong enough to understand when a compromise is best and when it is best to live the difference. Two rooted and centered personalities.

Easier said than done.

But not impossible!

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