The Chaos

So, I’m starting a blog. Obviously because I need an outlet to all the feelings going on. I’ll jump right in.

I am feeling hurt at the moment. I’ve met the man I want to be with. Online of course, how else would a mum of three youngish kids meet new and interesting people? Bars and clubs aren’t my territory, and I have only once been chatted up at a concert venue.

Anyway, so I’ve met him. Communication starts off great – we gel on the phone, chatting and sexting. So I go and visit him. Of course he doesn’t live in the same country as I do, so I plan a trip. Aha, you may say, that was your mistake. Always let the man do the first move.

Yes, I could have done that, but I wanted to meet him, so I went and got the tickets. And yes, this man is not only an great man online, he is also a great man in real life. I know that now, I know that I feel immensely comfortable with him, and valued, and what’s more, I see great potential for us to develop into a really well functioning couple. Not just on the logistical side – as in interests, ideas and goals; more in the way of dynamics, and the outlook of being with a really interesting person I can’t imagine becoming bored of. Life with him promises to be full of bends, surprises, adventures and energy. Exactly what I want!

But ever since I was there, communication has got less and less. Yes, he’s busy. Yes, he has other things on his mind too, and other responsibilities. But – that is no reason to shut down completely, to stop sharing emotionally – is it? I’ve let him know that I need more communication. He tells me he still feels the same – and yet he is acting the opposite.

And that is why I feel chaos. I want to believe him. I want to believe that finally, after 5 years of being happily separated, I have found somebody who I really want to be with and who feels the same. I want to believe that we will work out and overcome the obstacle of distance. And kids. And ex-partners. And demanding jobs.

At the same time, I am watching it all just slip away, something that had hardly any time to bud – and there is nothing I can do about it.

Who knows. Perhaps I am overthinking. Perhaps I am overfeeling  and overworrying. I definitely need to detach myself and make sure I stay independent, emotionally. So that whatever comes, I am ready for it.

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